Sorry I have been a little absent on the blog and mostly that is because I have been doing a lot better. The meeting in St. Louis helped a lot, vacation helped a ton, and now some new medication is helping as well. A very scary mixed blessing happened to me a couple weeks ago when my heart stated racing at 220 beats a minute and I had to go to the emergency room for cardioversion medication to return my heart beat to a normal sinus rhythm. After some tests etc...it is thought that the worst won't have to happen for a long time (valve replacement) but within the next year or so I will need ablation (still not really excited about this procedure) and I was started on several medications. One of the medications is actually to keep my heart at a normal pace and more normal rhythm. This medication is also used to treat acute panic attacks because it slows everything down. So although the abnormal heart rhythm is not the result of an anxiety attack the abnormality in addition to anxiety sort of exasperate each other. Come to find out the severe anxiety symptoms I have been experiencing could have been in part caused by the heart constantly racing which gives you a lot of the same "feelings" physically. Of course I know that my anxiety is more deeply rooted than that but I do believe it is correlated. I also opted to start taking an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and anti-anxiety medication. I was not completely hooked on this idea but after a horrible fail at the first type of medication they tried me on, I have had a lot of improvement from the medication combination. Not perfect but much much better.
However, I have had unusual anxiety the last 3 days and I am not sure why. I can't find anything that is triggering me. It is a physical feeling more than the tornado in my mind that I have described before. As a matter of fact, the medication has mostly stopped that tornado trick my brain used to play on me that would send me into a spiral of destruction. It is still frustrating to experience the physical symptoms sometimes and of course something I will talk to my dr. about. I think the worst part of it is that because I have felt better, I am not "used to" the symptoms that were plaguing me every day. And now that it has been hitting me for a few days in a row I have begun to worry that maybe I am not better or maybe it is coming back. Anxiety about anxiety again...which in my opinion is ridiculous.
Our circumstances haven't changed much and actually have gotten to a degree a little worse as far as Shawn's work. I have attempted to just take life one day at a time and not get so upset about things I can't seem to "fix". I am trying to say I'm sorry, I love you, and hug more instead of allowing myself to get wrapped up in the feeling that life is unfair and the what-ifs that often plague me.
So better but still working...I am hoping one day I can look back at anxiety as a scar rather than the gaping wound that it has represented for so long. For now, the wound is healing but still occasionally painful and ever-present in my mind. Sometimes though I forget about it for a little while and I think that is progress.
