Escape

I just typed an entire post and lost it erggg! Maybe I was not on the right track with my writing. I woke up this morning first thing with anxiety that has lasted the entire day. So it is going on about 8 hours of what I call a tornado of irrationality. Can you imagine a real tornado lasting 8 hours and the destruction that would be left in the wake? That is how I feel. Exhausted, beaten down, broken, and destroyed. So after a valiant attempt at handling my anxiety, replacing the irrational with rational, and working through and praying through my anxiety...today I am done. I do not have anymore fight in me and it is just easier to give in than to battle something with the force of a tornado.
I feel like anxiety threatens my family, my marriage, my friendships and relationships, and just my own sanity. If I seem angry...I am, I am angry that I have no control over this chaos. If I seem unattached...I am, I am unattached because it doesn't hurt as much as being attached. If I seem unmotivated...I am, I am too tired to do anything except battle these demons. If I seem controlling...I am, because I need to control something because I cannot control this anxiety which seems to do as it pleases.
For the most part I have been working very hard to deal with the anxiety as it comes and replace irrationality with rational thoughts, rely on prayer, and talk my way through the panic. Today I am done. I am exhausted. I just want to scream uncle and have it stop! I have begun to second guess myself and question whether I am not worthy to be free from this once and for all. I am wondering if I am not praying hard enough.
I took an anxiety assessment a couple days ago. This test was designed to give your therapist or psychiatrist a score for your anxiety symptoms and then they can determine if your treatment is successful. I scored the very highest score allowed on the test...25 was the highest and I scored a 25 which I guess is-hopeless.
I don't know who I can talk to about this because honestly who really wants to deal with my drama all the time. So I isolate and I get angry and this leaves more questions than answers in the minds of those around me and it leaves me feeling alone again. I am resentful that nobody cares but I think that if I could escape me...I probably would.