I can do all things...

I think I am beginning to figure out my triggers a little more clearly and honestly they are not things that can really be avoided so I have to learn to deal with them which is proving to be quite challenging. The good news is that during our vacation I did not have a panic attack except the very first moments we stepped onto the ship and then on the last day in the crowded market place (however I am think both of these were a combination of missing the kids and just feeling overwhelmed and on the last day I was just plain exhausted). I had an amazing stress free vacation and even when it came to scuba diving which I was terrified to do, I only experienced what I would call normal anxiousness about something that was new to me. Shawn and I reconnected in part because anxiety did not stand between him and I for the first time in a very long time. And actually since we have been home for a week I have been anxiety free for the most part except for a fleeting moment here and there until last night...and then it hit me! I began to panic because Shawn is only on day 5 of a 12 day long shift with not relief. He is working on very little sleep (approximately 3-5 hours a night) and has to drive over an hour one way and spend the day gone and then an hour home and still has work lining up for when he returns. His pain in his hands is really bad right now as well. Additionally I began to panic about homecoming tonight and visions of the horrible things that happen to teenagers in cars at night. Then it all came crashing in as I just began to have the tornado of worry and the cascading fear of everything in life. So I began to pray and mostly it was just a desperate cry to be set free once and for all. I understand that many of you who read this may not believe in God or believe in his ability to set one free but I do believe that He really is the answer to all questions. Oftentimes I doubt that He is there for me but I have to believe He is or this desperation would turn to hopelessness. I prayed and prayed and prayed until my exhausted mind finally gave in to sleep which is often my escape.
Lord you did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me. The enemy surrounds me and I cannot see you, I cannot feel you, and I cannot hear your voice. God please hold me tighter because I am falling. God please hold me closer because this place feels so cold. God please speak louder because the enemies voice is screaming lies louder than your promises. God stand a little closer because I feel so alone. God you are stronger than any enemy that seeks to destroy me. God please stop the tornado that is waging war in every part of my being. I am paralyzed in this moment and rationality and faith have left me. God please show yourself to me in this war zone. God please illuminate the darkness with the light only you can shine. (and then over and over I just repeated) You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me...you did not give me a spirit of fear...(until I finally drifted off to sleep).
The things causing the anxiety have not left this morning as I write this but so far the panic has not overtaken me. Moment by moment I find myself worrying that I am going to have a panic attack which feels ridiculous...worrying that I am going to worry is often enough to send me into panic. But right now I am just having that nagging nervousness that is my normal...5 minutes from now that may change. I feel like it will only take a small thing that is out of my control to come up and push me over the proverbial edge. So I will continue to pray...You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through You who strengthens me.