A little girl who really did not understand

There was a little girl who is now an adult with children of her own. This is all she remembers of her daddy who was taken from her way too soon...

The first memory she has is coming home after kindergarten and peeking through her dollhouse windows at her daddy laying in his brown recliner watching TV. He saw his baby girl peeking at him through the windows and smiled...she squealed in delight and ran into his arms. There she sat in his lap sucking her thumb until she would fall asleep until dinner time. There was no safer place in the world. There was no warmer place in the world and there was no place she would rather be. He was her world!
Most of her memories are just flashes of moments like the one described above. The memories are very emotionally charged and it is the emotion and the feeling that is the strongest part of the memory. The memories are almost like an old movie reel rather than something she actually experienced.
Skip forward a few months and she runs her hand through her daddy's freshly buzzed hair. He slept a lot on the couch and she would sit by his head and feel his funny hair. Even as a little girl she knew something was wrong even though nobody really explained it to her or maybe if they did explain it she just didn't get it. She just knew...knew that something was wrong and that her world seemed very scary.
Over the next few months her and her mom would spend countless nights in a hospital room and eventually the living room was transformed into a hospital room. Her daddy didn't hold her anymore, he didn't really talk to her anymore, and he didn't even look like the same daddy but she longed for her world to go back to the day that she peeked at him through her dollhouse windows at him. Her mom was busy taking care of her daddy because he was so sick, she cried a lot...everyone cried a lot. She felt like she was invisible. She thought that if she was perfect, her daddy would get better, her mom wouldn't be so sad, and that her world would return to normal.
And then he was gone...just gone. Forever gone because cancer took her daddy away just weeks before her 7th birthday. Her life would never be the same, her birthday would never be the same, Christmas would never be the same, NOTHING would ever be the same. Her mom loved her very much! But their lives would NEVER be the same and no matter how much she loved her she could not fill that void.
To that little girl it felt a lot like stripping her of everything safe and leaving her in the middle of a scary forest all alone. She could see and hear the people she loved but she couldn't reach them. She would pray at night that she would would see her daddy again, that he would come home, that if he loved her he would just come back. He never came. No matter what deals she made with God, no matter how perfect she was (or tried to be), no matter how much she prayed, he never came back. To her this meant she wasn't good enough or important enough or worth it. She didn't understand death, she thought he made a choice to leave her. She never got mad, she simply just kept waiting.
As time went by she began to understand that he wasn't coming back not by choice but because when you die you just don't come back. But by that point, she was so used to this skewed thought process that she still never felt good enough and she always feared that if she wasn't perfect people would leave, or die, or just never come back.
That little girl was me. And I know that my daddy did not choose to leave me or his other children. I know that no matter what I would've, could've, or should've done- he would not have come back. That is my rational mind. But there is still this little voice (not an audible voice) in me that says "what if you aren't good enough" and of course that creates a canyon between me and those around me because I just don't want to let people in because I might not be good enough. I know that isn't rational because I am super likeable :) but those kind of thoughts creep in when I least expect it and keep me from engaging or keep me from doing things I really would like to do. I have also become a master at faking it...I can appear to have all the confidence in the world and masquerade normalcy.
I can also trace my anxiety to fear of loss or abandonment a lot (not always but a lot). And here is the crazy thing...sometimes I choose to be the one to pull away because if I choose it then it isn't as painful because I can rationalize the choice but I cannot rationalize the loss otherwise...Sometimes I somehow turn off the emotion attached to illness or death because I want to convince myself that if I don't care then it won't happen (and that is super crazy huh?!? like my feelings about the subject somehow affect the outcome-NOT)!
The thing about anxiety is that there is a rational thought process and there is an anxiety thought process and they don't get along and they are almost never seen in the same place at the same time. All I know is my thoughts are screwy especially when I am having anxiety, which is happening more and more all the time.

some correlations I made and a little setback

So I was thinking tonight that maybe a few underlying things were going on that I hadn't put together that are contributing to my anxiety...besides the obvious things I listed in the rundown post. 30 years ago this summer I lost my daddy, 17 years ago this summer I lost someone else very close to me, 1 year ago in July I lost my uncle whom I loved very much, and also 1 year ago in September we lost Shawn's dad. I have made a huge connection to my anxiety and fear of loss or abandonment. Dang I have issues...why can't I focus on other wonderful things that happened in my life also in the summer and fall months: 7 years ago today I had Ceth, my baby boy, 8 years ago in June Shawn moved to KC to start our new life together, 11 years ago in Aug. a little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 12 years ago in Oct my 2nd son was born, 14 years ago in Oct my first son was born, 15 years ago in September another little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 16 years ago in September my first precious child was born, and a lot of great things have happened in my life so why does my brain like to dwell on the things that are painful and sad and anxiety provoking? If you figure it out please let me know :)
I also wanted to share something else with you. I sought treatment for anxiety in about 2000 and really had some success with treatment. Unfortunately, I have maintained none of that treatment because I wanted to be "normal". I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to be labeled, I don't want to have a disorder that requires therapy or medication, I just want to be like everyone else. The last 2 weeks have been so severe that I finally made a big step. I called around to attempt to find a physician who can deal with my anxiety issues. Unfortunately I found a lot of dead-ends. I don't have health insurance so that makes this increasingly difficult. I was excited at the prospect of finally getting a handle on these things so I could LIVE...not exist but really LIVE. Sigh...got call today that the one dr. I thought may be able to help was going to charge $190 for a consultation and $90 for each subsequent visit. This sort of sent me into a pity party tailspin. There are a few places who do sliding scales based on income but unfortunately our income is not the problem, the problem is that I don't have health insurance and who can afford health care and prescriptions with no health insurance. Also a whole new set of anxious thoughts entered my brain because I am attempting to find employment at some of these places so I sure the hell don't want to seek employment at a place that knows I'm a nutcase! Seems a little ironic that I would be looking for a job at the same place that I am looking for assistance for my "problem". So I am back to attempting to deal with this anxiety on my own and resigning myself to the possibility of this being the thorn in my side forever.

What anxiety "feels" like

This week has been a particularly bad week for anxiety. I know that the big life changes going on are a huge contributing factor but it doesn't necessarily make it easier to manage the uncontrollable anxiety symptoms that feel paralyzing. What exactly does it feel like to have anxiety? I assume this is a little different for everyone and I can only tell you how it makes me feel. Almost always, even on "normal" days, I feel a constant nervousness that is difficult to explain. It is sort of just a nagging sensation in my stomach that feels like normal anxiousness you might feel when you actually have something to feel nervous about. I can usually manage this pretty well as I have really grown accustomed to it. Sometimes it makes me grumpy or keeps me from saying yes to things that I would really like to do but I know it would make me too nervous. Usually I can distract myself with other things and just go on about my day.
On severe days (or in this case severe weeks) it is paralyzing. My heart races, my hands and sometimes my body shakes, and my mind will NOT stop thinking about things I do not want to be thinking about. Sometimes I want to cry and I do but other times I think I would feel better if I cried and I can't. My stomach hurts, my chest feels tight, and it seems like there is not enough oxygen in the world, let-alone in the room, to breathe. Sometimes instead of crying or feeling anxious, my anxiety shifts to anger and I think that is because it is easier in my brain to justify anger than irrational fear. I want to sleep because all of the thinking and my body working overtime to adjust to all the adrenaline is exhausting; but, typically I can't sleep or I can't sleep long because I am restless and uncomfortable. I am extremely aware of my heart beating, I can hear it and feel it like after you exercise vigorously. Ummm it is hard to explain my thought-process because it is fragmented and busy. Sometimes I get dizzy or things seem surreal. My arms and legs feel tingly and heavy. Not at all pleasant.
These "spells" (sounds like an old lady word lol) last a few minutes up to a few hours. Sometimes these "spells" happen once a day or several times a day and even sometimes seem to go on all day to some extent. Sometimes though the severe "attacks" will not happen for several weeks at a time (except that weird nagging nervousness that I always feel, which seems sort of "normal" after weeks like this one).
I think that the people closest to me can sense my anxiety in several ways. One,I am usually super grumpy when they get bad but less subtle cues are that my hands shake a lot, and I have to consciously take really deep breaths (mostly because it feels like I can't breathe). Sometimes they don't pick up on it right away and I actually have to say the words..."I am really anxious right now". Their response is usually "why, what's wrong" to which I almost never have an answer.
Sometimes I wonder if the whole world can tell that I am not "normal"...
Next post: What are my triggers?

So why am I like this?

So why am I like this? Several things are thought to factor into the development of anxiety disorders including heredity, brain chemistry, personality, and life experiences. Evidence exists showing that anxiety disorders run in families and that is no exception in my case as many people in my family suffer from some type of anxiety or depression. The thing is that a genetic factor may be present but it is likely activated by environment or life experience. I could give you some of the fancy explanations revolving around some of the brain chemistry thought to raise anxiety levels including the neurotransmitters that are involved and how they malfunction but that stuff is just boring and well...resemble school too much. Just know that brain chemistry seems to play a significant role in anxiety disorders. Personality might also be a culprit and this is where it feels a little personal and makes me anxious to share because I am vulnerable when I admit this part. Studies have shown that low self-esteem and lack of coping skills may make a person more likely to develop an anxiety disorder. And here is the ironic thing, when anxiety disorders start when you are a child-the anxiety disorder leads to poor self-esteem in some cases. Interesting huh? Which came first the chicken or the egg? And that leads us to life experiences, which are linked to anxiety disorders. These life experiences could include abuse, violence, poverty, etc. I am sure if I thought long and hard about what life experiences could have led to my anxiety I could think of a thing or two or twelve but the purpose of this blog is not to point fingers because that would be counter-productive. I believe that at some point in everyone's life they have to stop pointing fingers and just accept that this is the life they were given and deal with it. If I had to pinpoint something definitive that could have contributed to my anxiety it would be that I lost my dad at a very young age and the ensuing life changes were not easy...nobody's fault just not easy.

Once we get through all the what, how, why...blah blah blah I will start to focus on what it is really like to live with anxiety. So bear with me for the first few blog posts and we will get into the "dirt" later. :)

The Run-Down

So here is the rundown on my life right now (i.e. the circumstances exasperating my anxiety disorder).
Since moving to JC we have had a lot of stress but for the most part just the normal adjustment to a new city, school, job, making new friends, and getting settled kind of stress. There have been several pretty big hurdles to overcome; however, I think we have done a fairly decent job of making it work.
Shawn's work schedule is apparently manageable and he actually handles it fine except that I have seen a marked decline in his health over the last 2 years and I believe it is due to a lack of sleep but that is just my opinion. He works 24 hours on and 24 hours off and has every other weekend off. Sometimes it isn't bad but other times it is pretty awful as far as sleep and other necessary rest periods. I guess that is the nature of the business. He actually handles it well...and as usual it is me that cannot adjust. My insomnia issues have more than quadrupled since moving here and the mere sound of the phone ringing arouses that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anxious about what? Not sure...anxious that he will have to leave and go back to work when I know he is already exhausted; anxious that he will fall asleep while driving in the middle of the night; anxious that whatever trivial thing I had planned for the next morning won't happen because Shawn needs to sleep (even though he usually just forgoes sleep to appease my trivial plans which then makes me feel more anxious because I feel guilty); anxious that he will be in more pain than he already is because lack of sleep seems to be linked; anxious that we have to leave whatever we are doing at the moment so he can go on a call; anxious that he is going to miss out on something really important or maybe I should say something that seems really important at the moment; anxious about...well usually I don't even know exactly. That's just the way it feels when the phone rings. Again, these are not things that seem to bother him or anyone else- just me.
So I described Shawn's work schedule or at least what it was. The days he was off, we had a pretty worthless employee but at least it provided Shawn some time off and the guy got the job done. Well he quit last week and gave us less than a week's notice. So apparently this is supposed to "work out" and apparently it is "going to be okay" and apparently "we should just be able to hire someone" but those things don't seem to be happening and I know a week and a half isn't that long but in my brain...if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel-there is no end. Nobody wants this job...well at least nobody should want this job because if you have a family or a life or any such plans for a life it sucks. Let me clarify that this job is not a typical funeral home lifestyle. Yes they are on call 24/7 but the typical funeral home doesn't do 700 calls a year with only one or two staff members. Yes others do this job but typically burn out quickly or go through a wife or 7 or have a heart attack by age 47. How do I feel about this? Well...anxious. Shawn is again dealing with this pretty well. He is pretty tough...he is tired, he is in pain, and he is stressed but he "deals" better than me. (I should mention we do have a lot of awesome people in "the business" helping us find someone and we have a couple things in the works. It just hasn't happened quite yet and you guessed it even the mere thought of hiring someone new brings on a new set of anxiety though it relieves the current anxiety invoking situation). The good news is that we do have someone lined up to work temporarily until the end of the summer.
The kids are completely unhappy with their school situation. I hate to let them move schools again because they are just becoming much to accustomed to the nomadic existence I had growing up. I didn't want that for them and it is becoming increasingly clear that somehow I have taught them that when the going gets tough...the tough move or run and start over. I am not sure they are dealing with any issues at school that aren't "normal" issues that all kids deal with everyday. Or maybe they are dealing with more problems because they really haven't been rooted anywhere for a long time so they are always the new kid, the outsider, etc. So how will changing schools help and how can I express to them that they will have problems at any school they go to? They will dislike or have horrible teachers occasionally, they will have kids that hate them or pick on them occasionally, people will talk about them, they will have too much homework sometimes, they will be confused sometimes and feel like they are never going to catch on, they will have unrealistic expectations placed on them sometimes, they are going to have kids that have more money, nicer clothes, a nicer car, and cooler *insert whatever here* and they might even think the grass is greener on the other side (maybe it is...who knows)- those things are going to happen at every school, in every town, and every year they are in school. Hell- they are probably going to deal with similar things for their whole life, in fact I know they will. But here is where we come back to anxiety...not that it is about me but this blog is about anxiety so I am going to tell you where my anxiety comes into this equation. I am anxious because somehow I have taught them to run or haven't taught them to stick-with-it; I am anxious because I want to fix it and I can't; I am anxious because I want to do right by them but I don't even know what the right answer is because after all I want to run too; I am anxious because maybe I put them in the wrong schools to begin with and it has cost us a lot of money and a lot of time adjusting and caused them a lot of angst; I am anxious because they are unhappy and I have absolutely no control over that (seems control and my anxiety are highly correlated!); I am anxious that they might hate me forever because I didn't make this better for them and I really really wanted to make their lives...well...perfect. How do I teach my kids a skill or a sense of peace and wellbeing that I obviously don't possess myself.
I am about to graduate with my master's in 3 1/2 weeks. This is a good thing right? I am anxious that I will have spent all this money and not be able to find a good job; I am anxious that I will fail in the "real world"-I am good at school, I'm not sure I am good at life; I am anxious that I should've done something different as far as my degree; I am anxious that I should be able to find a great job but there are no great jobs out there; I am anxious that getting a job means that I am that much closer to not being needed at home and I have been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years; I am anxious that I won't be able to manage a full-time job and being a mom which leads me to the anxiety-provoking question of: "everyone else can do this why can't I"?
Various other things are going on creating added stress and they mostly have to do with so-called "normal" teenage stuff, "normal" financial concerns, "normal" frustrations, "normal" everyday life. But remember that anxiety makes small things huge so even the so-called "normal" stresses of everyday life are making me freaking nuts!
So that is the run-down of what I would consider the things weighing the most heavily on my mind. At any given moment though something very small can become something unbearably heavy to carry, something overwhelming to think about. Today, for example, I started having a panic attack for no apparent reason that I could pinpoint and something that should have been a happy thing became the source that my brain decided to fixate on causing anxiety. That led to me feeling guilty which increased the anxiety tenfold.

This is what anxiety technically is and some other psych mumbo jumbo

So the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is like the bible of psychology. This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) and it basically gives all the information necessary for diagnosing all mental health disorders…minus the human element. What I mean by that is that while the manual lists the diagnostic criteria for disorders, the prevalence, statistics, and prognosis in addition to some treatment methods…it doesn’t tell you what the disorder really “feels” like from the inside. That is what I am attempting to do with this blog. But for starters I will give you some of the technical characteristics of anxiety.

Anxiety comes in many forms and while we all experience anxiety at some point in our lives, there is a line at which “normal” anxiety crosses over into maladaptive behavior (maladaptive behavior is a fancy word meaning you just can’t deal anymore or the problem limits normal living). Normal anxiety includes the things in life that make you understandably nervous like anticipating the birth of a child, or cold feet before you walk down the aisle, or starting a new job, or waiting for the doctor to call with results of a test. Anxiety is actually a really important response because it is the trigger for the fight-or-flight response in dangerous situations, which can save your life in those situations. Anxiety provoking situations may spur you to study harder for a difficult exam or remain alert when you hear a noise outside your house; it creates cautiousness in surroundings that may be dangerous. The key difference between “normal” anxiety and an anxiety disorder is the source and intensity and the resulting behavior. In real people terms…when it starts to suck so bad and happen so often that you feel like you’re in hell or you can’t deal with normal life it is probably becoming a problem!

General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by general anxious feelings and can include “mild heart palpitations, dizziness, and excessive worry” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms). These feelings are hard to manage for the affected person and are not tied specifically to one traumatic event or series of events. When the anxiety is tied to a specific event it may lead to a different type of anxiety disorder known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). More severe forms of anxiety may be classified as a Panic Disorder. The manual says that prognosis is good for the worst of the symptoms but the underlying fears are a little more complicated. Medication in combination with therapy can be helpful.

Panic disorder is probably what you think of when you hear the term panic attack or anxiety attack. This is a more acute (quick onset) attack characterized “by intense fear or anxiety, usually associated with numerous physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, rapid breathing or shortness of breath, blurred vision, dizziness, and racing thoughts” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms). People sometimes think they are having a heart attack and sometimes even end up in the ER. Again medication and therapy can help and it is important for the individual to realize that the attack is not a physical problem but rather a psychological response. Prognosis again is good but if a person doesn’t seek treatment, the symptoms can progress into more severe behavioral responses (e.g. agoraphobia-fear of leaving the safety of one’s home).

And this leads me to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Yep…anxiety is the root of OCD. OCD is often the root of comedic interpretation but it is truly debilitating to some people including some people I really love. The biggest thing with OCD is obsessions which are “persistent, often irrational, and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms) that lead to compulsions, which are behaviors that are intended to relieve or neutralize the obsession. The common thing people associate with OCD is hand washing or being a “germaphobe” so here is an example of what happens: a person becomes anxious that they are going to become sick from germs but this fear is over-exaggerated and extreme or irrational, they obsess about the thought of being dirty or infected, and compulse in the form of excessive hand washing. In real people terms you think about something so much to the point that you have to do something to relieve the thoughts and anxiety and you behave in a way that seems excessive or irrational to outsiders but more important it starts to interfere with normal daily life. That is oversimplifying the disorder but for this purpose I think it gets the point across. The compulsion, in the example-hand washing, provides a temporary relief from the obsessive thought that results from anxiety. These compulsions can greatly interfere with daily life.

So there is some technical stuff to just get your mind thinking about what anxiety is. What does all of that mean? It means that if you have anxiety it sucks whatever name you give it. It means there is a name for this “problem” but it doesn’t really make me feel better to know there is a name for what is wrong. It sort of makes me feel like…well…like I’m labeled.

The beginning of me keepin' it real!

So let me start by saying this...I am thankful. I really am! I am thankful that I am not sick and neither is anyone in my family and we have a home and we all really love each other. So many people do not have those luxuries. The purpose of this blog is not to complain about how bad I have it because I know in actuality I have it pretty good. The purpose of this blog is to a) vent- because sometimes just to say it aloud makes the anxiety within feel a little less overwhelming and b) to give you a glimpse of the hell I believe anxiety is, and c) maybe it could help somebody else to know they are not alone. Maybe I am crazy and maybe I just feel like I am crazy but either way it feels pretty...well crazy! I am not sure why I was chosen to have this illness but maybe if I share my story of anxiety and how it affects me, someone else may not have to suffer it alone. Maybe it won't help anyone but me and in that case it helps a lot of people who live with me.
Anxiety to me feels like the end of the world even though you can't see an end in sight. Anxiety feels like the feeling you have when some emergency occurs but no real emergency is occurring. Anxiety makes my heart beat like I have just run a mile but I am sitting perfectly still. Anxiety makes me feel like I want to throw up and like I am seriously sick but there is nothing wrong with me. Anxiety makes me angry and frustrated at everyone around me and mostly at myself. Anxiety tells me that I need to do a million things but I am too overwhelmed to do any of them. Anxiety makes small things look huge and huge things insignificant. Anxiety keeps me from sleeping but the only relief I get is when I am sleeping so I want to do it all the time.
So what is all the anxiety about? I'm not sure if the root of the anxiety is circumstance or the anxiety is just making me unable to deal with normal circumstances that everyone deals with everyday. Ha and I am a psych major...I'm sure there is some irony in that alone! I know that I have dealt with anxiety for way too long..years. And though sometimes it isn't as severe as other times it is always there to some degree. So that leads me to believe that circumstance definitely exasperates the disorder that is already present but sometimes it really might be nothing circumstantial at all...just how I was made (lucky me)!
So as you read this blog you may start thinking that I really am crazy...or at the very least whiny and negative. But I honestly feel like the whole world is crashing in on me sometimes and nobody understands. I feel like (because I have been told) that I should just "snap out of it", or "look on the bright side", or "count my blessings", or "think it could always be worse" (that is my favorite actually because it seems as if I KNOW it could be worse and that is all I can think about-hence the anxiety), or "just focus on something positive", or "put your mind on something else", or "just relax".
So what does anxiety feel like...it feels like nothing in the world can ever be right because you are constantly thinking about what can go wrong. It feels like if anyone really knew how you felt they would think you were crazy, whiny, or negative. It feels an awful lot like pain, debilitating pain in the pit of your being. It feels like guilt because you know how much you have to be thankful for and you don't want to seem ungrateful. It feels like inescapable fear of what could happen. It feels like...hell.
I know that it will get better. I also know that God won't give me something I can't handle. I know that people in life deal with much worse- much much worse. I know that my life really isn't so bad. I know that I am loved. I know...and if I could choose not to feel this way I promise I would "just snap out of it".
So there is the first installment of my "keepin' it real...so what if you judge me...I don't want to do this alone anymore and neither should anyone else who suffers from anxiety...this is what anxiety feels like" blog. Pretty generic right? I didn't want to overwhelm you. Stay-tuned for a run down of my life and a journal so-to-speak of the things that make me feel anxious and how I choose to deal with it at that particular moment. Some of my family members and friends are very private people though so I will attempt to always protect them. It may seem at first like I think the whole world revolves around me but my purpose is to give you a glimpse into the skewed thought process that anxiety is. Oftentimes anxiety stems from events that have nothing to do with me but it feels like they have everything to do with me and additionally this skewed perception has nothing to do with the reality of circumstance but the lies my anxiety tells me. That is part of the illness. And what the heck its my party so I'll cry if I want to...(that was a joke) :)
So now it is time to post this...but of course I feel...ANXIOUS about the consequences of "keepin' it real..."