The Run-Down

So here is the rundown on my life right now (i.e. the circumstances exasperating my anxiety disorder).
Since moving to JC we have had a lot of stress but for the most part just the normal adjustment to a new city, school, job, making new friends, and getting settled kind of stress. There have been several pretty big hurdles to overcome; however, I think we have done a fairly decent job of making it work.
Shawn's work schedule is apparently manageable and he actually handles it fine except that I have seen a marked decline in his health over the last 2 years and I believe it is due to a lack of sleep but that is just my opinion. He works 24 hours on and 24 hours off and has every other weekend off. Sometimes it isn't bad but other times it is pretty awful as far as sleep and other necessary rest periods. I guess that is the nature of the business. He actually handles it well...and as usual it is me that cannot adjust. My insomnia issues have more than quadrupled since moving here and the mere sound of the phone ringing arouses that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anxious about what? Not sure...anxious that he will have to leave and go back to work when I know he is already exhausted; anxious that he will fall asleep while driving in the middle of the night; anxious that whatever trivial thing I had planned for the next morning won't happen because Shawn needs to sleep (even though he usually just forgoes sleep to appease my trivial plans which then makes me feel more anxious because I feel guilty); anxious that he will be in more pain than he already is because lack of sleep seems to be linked; anxious that we have to leave whatever we are doing at the moment so he can go on a call; anxious that he is going to miss out on something really important or maybe I should say something that seems really important at the moment; anxious about...well usually I don't even know exactly. That's just the way it feels when the phone rings. Again, these are not things that seem to bother him or anyone else- just me.
So I described Shawn's work schedule or at least what it was. The days he was off, we had a pretty worthless employee but at least it provided Shawn some time off and the guy got the job done. Well he quit last week and gave us less than a week's notice. So apparently this is supposed to "work out" and apparently it is "going to be okay" and apparently "we should just be able to hire someone" but those things don't seem to be happening and I know a week and a half isn't that long but in my brain...if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel-there is no end. Nobody wants this job...well at least nobody should want this job because if you have a family or a life or any such plans for a life it sucks. Let me clarify that this job is not a typical funeral home lifestyle. Yes they are on call 24/7 but the typical funeral home doesn't do 700 calls a year with only one or two staff members. Yes others do this job but typically burn out quickly or go through a wife or 7 or have a heart attack by age 47. How do I feel about this? Well...anxious. Shawn is again dealing with this pretty well. He is pretty tough...he is tired, he is in pain, and he is stressed but he "deals" better than me. (I should mention we do have a lot of awesome people in "the business" helping us find someone and we have a couple things in the works. It just hasn't happened quite yet and you guessed it even the mere thought of hiring someone new brings on a new set of anxiety though it relieves the current anxiety invoking situation). The good news is that we do have someone lined up to work temporarily until the end of the summer.
The kids are completely unhappy with their school situation. I hate to let them move schools again because they are just becoming much to accustomed to the nomadic existence I had growing up. I didn't want that for them and it is becoming increasingly clear that somehow I have taught them that when the going gets tough...the tough move or run and start over. I am not sure they are dealing with any issues at school that aren't "normal" issues that all kids deal with everyday. Or maybe they are dealing with more problems because they really haven't been rooted anywhere for a long time so they are always the new kid, the outsider, etc. So how will changing schools help and how can I express to them that they will have problems at any school they go to? They will dislike or have horrible teachers occasionally, they will have kids that hate them or pick on them occasionally, people will talk about them, they will have too much homework sometimes, they will be confused sometimes and feel like they are never going to catch on, they will have unrealistic expectations placed on them sometimes, they are going to have kids that have more money, nicer clothes, a nicer car, and cooler *insert whatever here* and they might even think the grass is greener on the other side (maybe it is...who knows)- those things are going to happen at every school, in every town, and every year they are in school. Hell- they are probably going to deal with similar things for their whole life, in fact I know they will. But here is where we come back to anxiety...not that it is about me but this blog is about anxiety so I am going to tell you where my anxiety comes into this equation. I am anxious because somehow I have taught them to run or haven't taught them to stick-with-it; I am anxious because I want to fix it and I can't; I am anxious because I want to do right by them but I don't even know what the right answer is because after all I want to run too; I am anxious because maybe I put them in the wrong schools to begin with and it has cost us a lot of money and a lot of time adjusting and caused them a lot of angst; I am anxious because they are unhappy and I have absolutely no control over that (seems control and my anxiety are highly correlated!); I am anxious that they might hate me forever because I didn't make this better for them and I really really wanted to make their lives...well...perfect. How do I teach my kids a skill or a sense of peace and wellbeing that I obviously don't possess myself.
I am about to graduate with my master's in 3 1/2 weeks. This is a good thing right? I am anxious that I will have spent all this money and not be able to find a good job; I am anxious that I will fail in the "real world"-I am good at school, I'm not sure I am good at life; I am anxious that I should've done something different as far as my degree; I am anxious that I should be able to find a great job but there are no great jobs out there; I am anxious that getting a job means that I am that much closer to not being needed at home and I have been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years; I am anxious that I won't be able to manage a full-time job and being a mom which leads me to the anxiety-provoking question of: "everyone else can do this why can't I"?
Various other things are going on creating added stress and they mostly have to do with so-called "normal" teenage stuff, "normal" financial concerns, "normal" frustrations, "normal" everyday life. But remember that anxiety makes small things huge so even the so-called "normal" stresses of everyday life are making me freaking nuts!
So that is the run-down of what I would consider the things weighing the most heavily on my mind. At any given moment though something very small can become something unbearably heavy to carry, something overwhelming to think about. Today, for example, I started having a panic attack for no apparent reason that I could pinpoint and something that should have been a happy thing became the source that my brain decided to fixate on causing anxiety. That led to me feeling guilty which increased the anxiety tenfold.