So let me start by saying this...I am thankful. I really am! I am thankful that I am not sick and neither is anyone in my family and we have a home and we all really love each other. So many people do not have those luxuries. The purpose of this blog is not to complain about how bad I have it because I know in actuality I have it pretty good. The purpose of this blog is to a) vent- because sometimes just to say it aloud makes the anxiety within feel a little less overwhelming and b) to give you a glimpse of the hell I believe anxiety is, and c) maybe it could help somebody else to know they are not alone. Maybe I am crazy and maybe I just feel like I am crazy but either way it feels pretty...well crazy! I am not sure why I was chosen to have this illness but maybe if I share my story of anxiety and how it affects me, someone else may not have to suffer it alone. Maybe it won't help anyone but me and in that case it helps a lot of people who live with me.
Anxiety to me feels like the end of the world even though you can't see an end in sight. Anxiety feels like the feeling you have when some emergency occurs but no real emergency is occurring. Anxiety makes my heart beat like I have just run a mile but I am sitting perfectly still. Anxiety makes me feel like I want to throw up and like I am seriously sick but there is nothing wrong with me. Anxiety makes me angry and frustrated at everyone around me and mostly at myself. Anxiety tells me that I need to do a million things but I am too overwhelmed to do any of them. Anxiety makes small things look huge and huge things insignificant. Anxiety keeps me from sleeping but the only relief I get is when I am sleeping so I want to do it all the time.
So what is all the anxiety about? I'm not sure if the root of the anxiety is circumstance or the anxiety is just making me unable to deal with normal circumstances that everyone deals with everyday. Ha and I am a psych major...I'm sure there is some irony in that alone! I know that I have dealt with anxiety for way too long..years. And though sometimes it isn't as severe as other times it is always there to some degree. So that leads me to believe that circumstance definitely exasperates the disorder that is already present but sometimes it really might be nothing circumstantial at all...just how I was made (lucky me)!
So as you read this blog you may start thinking that I really am crazy...or at the very least whiny and negative. But I honestly feel like the whole world is crashing in on me sometimes and nobody understands. I feel like (because I have been told) that I should just "snap out of it", or "look on the bright side", or "count my blessings", or "think it could always be worse" (that is my favorite actually because it seems as if I KNOW it could be worse and that is all I can think about-hence the anxiety), or "just focus on something positive", or "put your mind on something else", or "just relax".
So what does anxiety feel like...it feels like nothing in the world can ever be right because you are constantly thinking about what can go wrong. It feels like if anyone really knew how you felt they would think you were crazy, whiny, or negative. It feels an awful lot like pain, debilitating pain in the pit of your being. It feels like guilt because you know how much you have to be thankful for and you don't want to seem ungrateful. It feels like inescapable fear of what could happen. It feels like...hell.
I know that it will get better. I also know that God won't give me something I can't handle. I know that people in life deal with much worse- much much worse. I know that my life really isn't so bad. I know that I am loved. I know...and if I could choose not to feel this way I promise I would "just snap out of it".
So there is the first installment of my "keepin' it real...so what if you judge me...I don't want to do this alone anymore and neither should anyone else who suffers from anxiety...this is what anxiety feels like" blog. Pretty generic right? I didn't want to overwhelm you. Stay-tuned for a run down of my life and a journal so-to-speak of the things that make me feel anxious and how I choose to deal with it at that particular moment. Some of my family members and friends are very private people though so I will attempt to always protect them. It may seem at first like I think the whole world revolves around me but my purpose is to give you a glimpse into the skewed thought process that anxiety is. Oftentimes anxiety stems from events that have nothing to do with me but it feels like they have everything to do with me and additionally this skewed perception has nothing to do with the reality of circumstance but the lies my anxiety tells me. That is part of the illness. And what the heck its my party so I'll cry if I want to...(that was a joke) :)
So now it is time to post this...but of course I feel...ANXIOUS about the consequences of "keepin' it real..."
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