So I was thinking tonight that maybe a few underlying things were going on that I hadn't put together that are contributing to my anxiety...besides the obvious things I listed in the rundown post. 30 years ago this summer I lost my daddy, 17 years ago this summer I lost someone else very close to me, 1 year ago in July I lost my uncle whom I loved very much, and also 1 year ago in September we lost Shawn's dad. I have made a huge connection to my anxiety and fear of loss or abandonment. Dang I have issues...why can't I focus on other wonderful things that happened in my life also in the summer and fall months: 7 years ago today I had Ceth, my baby boy, 8 years ago in June Shawn moved to KC to start our new life together, 11 years ago in Aug. a little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 12 years ago in Oct my 2nd son was born, 14 years ago in Oct my first son was born, 15 years ago in September another little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 16 years ago in September my first precious child was born, and a lot of great things have happened in my life so why does my brain like to dwell on the things that are painful and sad and anxiety provoking? If you figure it out please let me know :)
I also wanted to share something else with you. I sought treatment for anxiety in about 2000 and really had some success with treatment. Unfortunately, I have maintained none of that treatment because I wanted to be "normal". I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to be labeled, I don't want to have a disorder that requires therapy or medication, I just want to be like everyone else. The last 2 weeks have been so severe that I finally made a big step. I called around to attempt to find a physician who can deal with my anxiety issues. Unfortunately I found a lot of dead-ends. I don't have health insurance so that makes this increasingly difficult. I was excited at the prospect of finally getting a handle on these things so I could LIVE...not exist but really LIVE. Sigh...got call today that the one dr. I thought may be able to help was going to charge $190 for a consultation and $90 for each subsequent visit. This sort of sent me into a pity party tailspin. There are a few places who do sliding scales based on income but unfortunately our income is not the problem, the problem is that I don't have health insurance and who can afford health care and prescriptions with no health insurance. Also a whole new set of anxious thoughts entered my brain because I am attempting to find employment at some of these places so I sure the hell don't want to seek employment at a place that knows I'm a nutcase! Seems a little ironic that I would be looking for a job at the same place that I am looking for assistance for my "problem". So I am back to attempting to deal with this anxiety on my own and resigning myself to the possibility of this being the thorn in my side forever.
Another thing you can list in your "positives" is that you have so many friends in Missouri much less around the country! You have my support and we are on similar journies. The biggest thing I have learned PERSONALLY (may not be what you need) is that therapy is the worst thing for me. I tried, multiple times, with multiple therapists - they asked me questions about everything in my life good and bad and regardless of how screwed up things were - once they got to asking me about my parents and they learned that my dad died (when I was 24 - a grown woman) and that triggered even the slightest tear of grief or loss. They keyed on THAT, poking it like a stick, making me sadder causing me to be anxious and NOT addressing the issues that were actually in real life causing me anxiety! I left every single appointment in tears and sobbed in my car until I was capable of driving home - then I was so exausted I crawled in bed.
ReplyDeleteIt was a wicked cycle. It took finding the right psych dr. who said I did not have to go to therapy if I didn't want to and who properly medicated me to even begin to feel "normal". I still have anxiety & depression - but I can manage them better personally. I am going to send you a book about "being normal" I think you will enjoy. Thanks for sharing your journey. Much love and support! KW
I have done energy work on several people with anxiety disorders. There is certainly a physiological component to this as well as the mental and emotional. Energy work (TKM) is based in physics working the energetic and cellular levels of the body. I worked with a young lady for several months dealing with anxiety. I won't go into too much detail but suffice it to say she stressed every time she left home, going to college, working, very depressed, panic attacks, etc... She lost her job. She quit her classes. She hated driving. When addressing the body with tkm (touch therapy) the body simply responds and its goal is to acheive balance physically, mentally and emotionally. Many times the hurting person does not realize the progress they are making. But when this young lady took a job making lunch time deliveries downtown I knew she was well on her way to freedom from anxiety. She has since married and is doing much much better. There are many approaches to healing, sometimes the psychological therapy will bring the whole person into balance, sometimes a medication will balance the emotions enough to bring balance (though dealing with the side effects of meds are not my cup of tea). I love touch therapy (TKM) because it addresses these components and the person will deal with them according to the body's own timing. It does not force anything but gently brings the person into balance. It takes time, the person took years to get into the mess they are in through habitual and ingrained ways of thinking, feeling, doing and being in response to what life has thrown at them. The method values the healing journey, as well. Let me know if I can be of service to you. Love and blessings, Andrea
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