selfishness or just reality?

I am still doing relatively well with just occasional moments of not being able to deal. Tonight I am having a moment that I can feel that fear and panic welling up inside me for no obvious reason. I realized though as I was going through the why and what checklist in my brain that I am now and often take on anxiety regarding other people. Somehow I take on the anxiety that they should or might be feeling as my own and obviously have no control over how things play out for them. This often comes off as being controlling or hyper-vigilant and sometimes creates anxiety in them that they weren't feeling before. Tonight I am particularly anxious about my daughter's anxiety and it feels almost unmanageable. It takes me to the irrationality of being ill-equipped or a bad mother because I can't take her anxiety, emotions, fear, or pain away. This frustrates me and the "normal" worry that I assume all parents experience for their children sends me into a tailspin of panic. I come across as angry and blaming of others when maybe all it would take would be a hug or a silent prayer but that is difficult for me. Crazy that my anxiety revolves around not being able to take away pain but my coping mechanism for my own anxiety is to control or retreat neither of which is productive or reassuring to others. So instead of sitting her and allowing my anxiety to tell me that I am ill-equipped or a bad mother or worthless I am again just asking God to take up the slack where I am unable to comfort the hurting. Unable because other people's pain is such a stark reminder of the pain inside me that is untouchable by even the kindest of sentiments from others. Selfish? Maybe...reality? Definitely! Why didn't I come with the ability to touch the lives of others in their pain instead of taking on the pain as my own rendering me helpless? Did I come equipped with that ability but lose it along the way? Do I cause pain because you can only give what you yourself possess? Selfish or reality?

Feeling normal

Sometimes when God reminds me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, I remind Him that I cannot and then He gently reminds me that I might not be able to but He can handle it all. I have been managing pretty well and actually have been surprised at the lack of panic I have had since returning home from our trip. I don't know why and honestly every day and actually every moment of every day I wonder when it is going to hit. Anxiety about anxiety seems to be my most prevalent worry at the current time. Will it sneak in almost unnoticeable at first and just increase to panic or will it hit me like a ton of bricks (both ways occur and interestingly I am never really prepared even though I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember)? Will I be able to manage the next time? Honestly, I believe I have just become a master at avoidance. If it feels like it may trigger the anxiety, I avoid it at all cost even if that means detaching. This is not healthy but it is survival sometimes.
So today I am okay but tomorrow I may not be again.
As I talked with a friend who also experiences severe anxiety, we agreed that we would love to awaken one morning and just "feel" normal...wonder what it would feel like to "feel" normal and would I even recognize the feeling? Normal? Interesting concept...one I would like to experience some day.

I can do all things...

I think I am beginning to figure out my triggers a little more clearly and honestly they are not things that can really be avoided so I have to learn to deal with them which is proving to be quite challenging. The good news is that during our vacation I did not have a panic attack except the very first moments we stepped onto the ship and then on the last day in the crowded market place (however I am think both of these were a combination of missing the kids and just feeling overwhelmed and on the last day I was just plain exhausted). I had an amazing stress free vacation and even when it came to scuba diving which I was terrified to do, I only experienced what I would call normal anxiousness about something that was new to me. Shawn and I reconnected in part because anxiety did not stand between him and I for the first time in a very long time. And actually since we have been home for a week I have been anxiety free for the most part except for a fleeting moment here and there until last night...and then it hit me! I began to panic because Shawn is only on day 5 of a 12 day long shift with not relief. He is working on very little sleep (approximately 3-5 hours a night) and has to drive over an hour one way and spend the day gone and then an hour home and still has work lining up for when he returns. His pain in his hands is really bad right now as well. Additionally I began to panic about homecoming tonight and visions of the horrible things that happen to teenagers in cars at night. Then it all came crashing in as I just began to have the tornado of worry and the cascading fear of everything in life. So I began to pray and mostly it was just a desperate cry to be set free once and for all. I understand that many of you who read this may not believe in God or believe in his ability to set one free but I do believe that He really is the answer to all questions. Oftentimes I doubt that He is there for me but I have to believe He is or this desperation would turn to hopelessness. I prayed and prayed and prayed until my exhausted mind finally gave in to sleep which is often my escape.
Lord you did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me. The enemy surrounds me and I cannot see you, I cannot feel you, and I cannot hear your voice. God please hold me tighter because I am falling. God please hold me closer because this place feels so cold. God please speak louder because the enemies voice is screaming lies louder than your promises. God stand a little closer because I feel so alone. God you are stronger than any enemy that seeks to destroy me. God please stop the tornado that is waging war in every part of my being. I am paralyzed in this moment and rationality and faith have left me. God please show yourself to me in this war zone. God please illuminate the darkness with the light only you can shine. (and then over and over I just repeated) You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me...you did not give me a spirit of fear...(until I finally drifted off to sleep).
The things causing the anxiety have not left this morning as I write this but so far the panic has not overtaken me. Moment by moment I find myself worrying that I am going to have a panic attack which feels ridiculous...worrying that I am going to worry is often enough to send me into panic. But right now I am just having that nagging nervousness that is my normal...5 minutes from now that may change. I feel like it will only take a small thing that is out of my control to come up and push me over the proverbial edge. So I will continue to pray...You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through You who strengthens me.