progress

Sorry I have been a little absent on the blog and mostly that is because I have been doing a lot better. The meeting in St. Louis helped a lot, vacation helped a ton, and now some new medication is helping as well. A very scary mixed blessing happened to me a couple weeks ago when my heart stated racing at 220 beats a minute and I had to go to the emergency room for cardioversion medication to return my heart beat to a normal sinus rhythm. After some tests etc...it is thought that the worst won't have to happen for a long time (valve replacement) but within the next year or so I will need ablation (still not really excited about this procedure) and I was started on several medications. One of the medications is actually to keep my heart at a normal pace and more normal rhythm. This medication is also used to treat acute panic attacks because it slows everything down. So although the abnormal heart rhythm is not the result of an anxiety attack the abnormality in addition to anxiety sort of exasperate each other. Come to find out the severe anxiety symptoms I have been experiencing could have been in part caused by the heart constantly racing which gives you a lot of the same "feelings" physically. Of course I know that my anxiety is more deeply rooted than that but I do believe it is correlated. I also opted to start taking an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and anti-anxiety medication. I was not completely hooked on this idea but after a horrible fail at the first type of medication they tried me on, I have had a lot of improvement from the medication combination. Not perfect but much much better.
However, I have had unusual anxiety the last 3 days and I am not sure why. I can't find anything that is triggering me. It is a physical feeling more than the tornado in my mind that I have described before. As a matter of fact, the medication has mostly stopped that tornado trick my brain used to play on me that would send me into a spiral of destruction. It is still frustrating to experience the physical symptoms  sometimes and of course something I will talk to my dr. about. I think the worst part of it is that because I have felt better, I am not "used to" the symptoms that were plaguing me every day. And now that it has been hitting me for a few days in a row I have begun to worry that maybe I am not better or maybe it is coming back. Anxiety about anxiety again...which in my opinion is ridiculous.
Our circumstances haven't changed much and actually have gotten to a degree a little worse as far as Shawn's work. I have attempted to just take life one day at a time and not get so upset about things I can't seem to "fix". I am trying to say I'm sorry, I love you, and hug more instead of allowing myself to get wrapped up in the feeling that life is unfair and the what-ifs that often plague me.
So better but still working...I am hoping one day I can look back at anxiety as a scar rather than the gaping wound that it has represented for so long. For now, the wound is healing but still occasionally painful and ever-present in my mind. Sometimes though I forget about it for a little while and I think that is progress.

selfishness or just reality?

I am still doing relatively well with just occasional moments of not being able to deal. Tonight I am having a moment that I can feel that fear and panic welling up inside me for no obvious reason. I realized though as I was going through the why and what checklist in my brain that I am now and often take on anxiety regarding other people. Somehow I take on the anxiety that they should or might be feeling as my own and obviously have no control over how things play out for them. This often comes off as being controlling or hyper-vigilant and sometimes creates anxiety in them that they weren't feeling before. Tonight I am particularly anxious about my daughter's anxiety and it feels almost unmanageable. It takes me to the irrationality of being ill-equipped or a bad mother because I can't take her anxiety, emotions, fear, or pain away. This frustrates me and the "normal" worry that I assume all parents experience for their children sends me into a tailspin of panic. I come across as angry and blaming of others when maybe all it would take would be a hug or a silent prayer but that is difficult for me. Crazy that my anxiety revolves around not being able to take away pain but my coping mechanism for my own anxiety is to control or retreat neither of which is productive or reassuring to others. So instead of sitting her and allowing my anxiety to tell me that I am ill-equipped or a bad mother or worthless I am again just asking God to take up the slack where I am unable to comfort the hurting. Unable because other people's pain is such a stark reminder of the pain inside me that is untouchable by even the kindest of sentiments from others. Selfish? Maybe...reality? Definitely! Why didn't I come with the ability to touch the lives of others in their pain instead of taking on the pain as my own rendering me helpless? Did I come equipped with that ability but lose it along the way? Do I cause pain because you can only give what you yourself possess? Selfish or reality?

Feeling normal

Sometimes when God reminds me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, I remind Him that I cannot and then He gently reminds me that I might not be able to but He can handle it all. I have been managing pretty well and actually have been surprised at the lack of panic I have had since returning home from our trip. I don't know why and honestly every day and actually every moment of every day I wonder when it is going to hit. Anxiety about anxiety seems to be my most prevalent worry at the current time. Will it sneak in almost unnoticeable at first and just increase to panic or will it hit me like a ton of bricks (both ways occur and interestingly I am never really prepared even though I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember)? Will I be able to manage the next time? Honestly, I believe I have just become a master at avoidance. If it feels like it may trigger the anxiety, I avoid it at all cost even if that means detaching. This is not healthy but it is survival sometimes.
So today I am okay but tomorrow I may not be again.
As I talked with a friend who also experiences severe anxiety, we agreed that we would love to awaken one morning and just "feel" normal...wonder what it would feel like to "feel" normal and would I even recognize the feeling? Normal? Interesting concept...one I would like to experience some day.

I can do all things...

I think I am beginning to figure out my triggers a little more clearly and honestly they are not things that can really be avoided so I have to learn to deal with them which is proving to be quite challenging. The good news is that during our vacation I did not have a panic attack except the very first moments we stepped onto the ship and then on the last day in the crowded market place (however I am think both of these were a combination of missing the kids and just feeling overwhelmed and on the last day I was just plain exhausted). I had an amazing stress free vacation and even when it came to scuba diving which I was terrified to do, I only experienced what I would call normal anxiousness about something that was new to me. Shawn and I reconnected in part because anxiety did not stand between him and I for the first time in a very long time. And actually since we have been home for a week I have been anxiety free for the most part except for a fleeting moment here and there until last night...and then it hit me! I began to panic because Shawn is only on day 5 of a 12 day long shift with not relief. He is working on very little sleep (approximately 3-5 hours a night) and has to drive over an hour one way and spend the day gone and then an hour home and still has work lining up for when he returns. His pain in his hands is really bad right now as well. Additionally I began to panic about homecoming tonight and visions of the horrible things that happen to teenagers in cars at night. Then it all came crashing in as I just began to have the tornado of worry and the cascading fear of everything in life. So I began to pray and mostly it was just a desperate cry to be set free once and for all. I understand that many of you who read this may not believe in God or believe in his ability to set one free but I do believe that He really is the answer to all questions. Oftentimes I doubt that He is there for me but I have to believe He is or this desperation would turn to hopelessness. I prayed and prayed and prayed until my exhausted mind finally gave in to sleep which is often my escape.
Lord you did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me. The enemy surrounds me and I cannot see you, I cannot feel you, and I cannot hear your voice. God please hold me tighter because I am falling. God please hold me closer because this place feels so cold. God please speak louder because the enemies voice is screaming lies louder than your promises. God stand a little closer because I feel so alone. God you are stronger than any enemy that seeks to destroy me. God please stop the tornado that is waging war in every part of my being. I am paralyzed in this moment and rationality and faith have left me. God please show yourself to me in this war zone. God please illuminate the darkness with the light only you can shine. (and then over and over I just repeated) You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me...you did not give me a spirit of fear...(until I finally drifted off to sleep).
The things causing the anxiety have not left this morning as I write this but so far the panic has not overtaken me. Moment by moment I find myself worrying that I am going to have a panic attack which feels ridiculous...worrying that I am going to worry is often enough to send me into panic. But right now I am just having that nagging nervousness that is my normal...5 minutes from now that may change. I feel like it will only take a small thing that is out of my control to come up and push me over the proverbial edge. So I will continue to pray...You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through You who strengthens me.

Escape

I just typed an entire post and lost it erggg! Maybe I was not on the right track with my writing. I woke up this morning first thing with anxiety that has lasted the entire day. So it is going on about 8 hours of what I call a tornado of irrationality. Can you imagine a real tornado lasting 8 hours and the destruction that would be left in the wake? That is how I feel. Exhausted, beaten down, broken, and destroyed. So after a valiant attempt at handling my anxiety, replacing the irrational with rational, and working through and praying through my anxiety...today I am done. I do not have anymore fight in me and it is just easier to give in than to battle something with the force of a tornado.
I feel like anxiety threatens my family, my marriage, my friendships and relationships, and just my own sanity. If I seem angry...I am, I am angry that I have no control over this chaos. If I seem unattached...I am, I am unattached because it doesn't hurt as much as being attached. If I seem unmotivated...I am, I am too tired to do anything except battle these demons. If I seem controlling...I am, because I need to control something because I cannot control this anxiety which seems to do as it pleases.
For the most part I have been working very hard to deal with the anxiety as it comes and replace irrationality with rational thoughts, rely on prayer, and talk my way through the panic. Today I am done. I am exhausted. I just want to scream uncle and have it stop! I have begun to second guess myself and question whether I am not worthy to be free from this once and for all. I am wondering if I am not praying hard enough.
I took an anxiety assessment a couple days ago. This test was designed to give your therapist or psychiatrist a score for your anxiety symptoms and then they can determine if your treatment is successful. I scored the very highest score allowed on the test...25 was the highest and I scored a 25 which I guess is-hopeless.
I don't know who I can talk to about this because honestly who really wants to deal with my drama all the time. So I isolate and I get angry and this leaves more questions than answers in the minds of those around me and it leaves me feeling alone again. I am resentful that nobody cares but I think that if I could escape me...I probably would. 

emotions lie!

I would have to say that the last week has been a little more manageable and though it seems like our family has had to deal with quite a lot the last two weeks I have been working really hard to just talk through the situations and use some cognitive behavioral techniques in addition to prayer to not allow myself to become overwhelmed. Tonight is a different story. Something very simple has taken its foothold and allowed the anxiety to run rampant. More than anything it is just so frustrating to allow something so minor to turn into something so huge. We have promised Shawn's girls that we would take them floating this weekend with some of our friends and then stay the weekend at another friend's house. Well apparently, we didn't have this planned too well because at the last minute we realized we needed to find a place to board our dog. Any other weekend this failure to plan on our part wouldn't have been a big deal but since it is Labor day weekend, all the boarding places are full. So the negative thoughts begin about breaking promises, breaking plans, etc. Then those negative thoughts cascade into physiological anxiety responses like the shaking, heart racing, dizziness, tingly arms and legs, and racing thoughts. I then begin to think about all the things that I dealt with for the last 2 weeks that didn't send me into shear panic and now they take root and grow into huge issues...and some of them are pretty significant but not at all helped by this panic I feel about them. I start to have thoughts of my unworthiness as a parent, how I could've done better or different and how I have really screwed things up. I start to think that our friends will be mad if we cancel and that they won't want to be friends anymore because I am not a good friend (much smaller in the whole scheme of things than the other issues we have been dealing with in our family but still made huge by the monster named anxiety). And then the kicker...I tell Shawn that I am having really bad anxiety but he doesn't respond in the way I think he should so I feel angry that he doesn't care and doesn't love me and will never understand (I have said before that a lot of times my anxiety translates into anger because anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle than the anxiety and panic). So...once again 3 steps forward and 2 steps back only this time I only allowed it to affect me and not everyone around me because I made the choice not to fight with Shawn about not caring which would only make my anxiety worse. I want this to be gone. I don't want to deal with it and the mental and emotional exertion it takes to "deal" with it even in productive ways is exhausting. I am sitting here talking through these lies that anxiety tells me and doing my "anxiety homework" and once again find myself attempting to turn the tornado of thoughts into something tangible. I feel that by giving anxiety a voice, I can somehow quiet the screaming in my mind and heart.
What I want most is to be able to wake up with no anxiety but the reality of that is that I will probably in some way deal with this for the rest of my life. Something interesting and new happened tonight in that I began to experience anxiety about having anxiety...crazy huh? I actually found myself becoming increasingly anxious at the thought that I might wake up anxious tomorrow which grew into living everyday feeling this way.
So am I really any better than I was when this all began? I'm not sure...I want to say yes but my anxiety tells me that I am not better and I will never be better. I pray that this is also a lie. Satan seeks to destroy families, destroy lives, and destroy all that is good in this world. My family has taken some hits recently and I want to believe that we will be stronger but I don't feel that way. So I will leave you with this thought...maybe I will never "feel" strong but emotions lie and only actions can be measured. I pray that my actions will tell a different story than the emotions that I experience...even if anxiety never leaves me.

tired

After I posted my last entry, I felt strong enough to move forward even after a rough start to the day and I felt like I could "deal". Ahhh but then, I had a meeting at school that should have been open and shut but turned into a strange power struggle and from what I gather this time I was not at fault (not that anyone would have ever placed blame on me for being a concerned mom). I became defensive and frustrated and began to fall into the way I always deal with situations out of my control by tightening the reigns of control in areas that are not really mine to control. And then the anxiety and frustration built and mounted and eventually became more than I could bear. Instead of overwhelming fear and desperateness, I found myself completely angry. When Shawn attempted to talk to me, I just told him I didn't care and it wasn't worth the fight. I am angry with him, I am angry with others (I cannot name), I am angry at the school district liaisons in charge of the services my son is "granted" based on their mood apparently, I am angry at myself for losing it tonight, I am angry that I cannot gain control of this stupid situation, and I am angry that the services available to me without insurance are limited or nonexistent. I felt like I might actually be on the track to healing and tonight I feel defeated. I am tired of the fight. I'm really just tired...