tired

After I posted my last entry, I felt strong enough to move forward even after a rough start to the day and I felt like I could "deal". Ahhh but then, I had a meeting at school that should have been open and shut but turned into a strange power struggle and from what I gather this time I was not at fault (not that anyone would have ever placed blame on me for being a concerned mom). I became defensive and frustrated and began to fall into the way I always deal with situations out of my control by tightening the reigns of control in areas that are not really mine to control. And then the anxiety and frustration built and mounted and eventually became more than I could bear. Instead of overwhelming fear and desperateness, I found myself completely angry. When Shawn attempted to talk to me, I just told him I didn't care and it wasn't worth the fight. I am angry with him, I am angry with others (I cannot name), I am angry at the school district liaisons in charge of the services my son is "granted" based on their mood apparently, I am angry at myself for losing it tonight, I am angry that I cannot gain control of this stupid situation, and I am angry that the services available to me without insurance are limited or nonexistent. I felt like I might actually be on the track to healing and tonight I feel defeated. I am tired of the fight. I'm really just tired...