tired

After I posted my last entry, I felt strong enough to move forward even after a rough start to the day and I felt like I could "deal". Ahhh but then, I had a meeting at school that should have been open and shut but turned into a strange power struggle and from what I gather this time I was not at fault (not that anyone would have ever placed blame on me for being a concerned mom). I became defensive and frustrated and began to fall into the way I always deal with situations out of my control by tightening the reigns of control in areas that are not really mine to control. And then the anxiety and frustration built and mounted and eventually became more than I could bear. Instead of overwhelming fear and desperateness, I found myself completely angry. When Shawn attempted to talk to me, I just told him I didn't care and it wasn't worth the fight. I am angry with him, I am angry with others (I cannot name), I am angry at the school district liaisons in charge of the services my son is "granted" based on their mood apparently, I am angry at myself for losing it tonight, I am angry that I cannot gain control of this stupid situation, and I am angry that the services available to me without insurance are limited or nonexistent. I felt like I might actually be on the track to healing and tonight I feel defeated. I am tired of the fight. I'm really just tired...

3 steps forward and 2 steps back

So I felt free for a couple days and then the doubts came rushing in and one by one I would (as taught) take those thoughts captive and release them; telling myself that they are lies and the result of a lifetime of insecurity. I have been working very hard to just work on changing me and not reacting to life in the ways that I have been programmed to react. This week I have been faced with numerous difficult events that before could have been the straw that broke the camel's back or the pebble that tipped the scales once and for all. Each time, falling 2 steps back but still each day moving 3 steps forward. My husband reminds me that 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still moving forward; however, more than anything I just feel frustrated with the process. I have not yet been completely overtaken by the anxiety that has controlled me for so long but I am growing weak and weary in this fight to find my way out of a lifestyle controlled by the battle that is constantly waging in my own heart and mind. It might be easier to give up and revert back to the old way of "dealing" except that I have realized that there is a much bigger battle to fight that doesn't just revolve around me. I could live the rest of my life living in anxiety and bondage but that is not the life I want my children and family to live. My eyes have been opened to the very real consequences of living my life this way in front of my children as they have begun to suffer with anxiety and a defeatist mentality. That is NOT okay with me. I want them to see that we are free to live a life full of joy. Today another blow after a couple days of a dig here and a dig there and it felt for a moment like I was done fighting but somewhere inside me I found another ounce of strength I didn't know was left. So for this moment I am able to fight a little while longer...fight for my freedom, fight for my marriage, fight for my children, fight for my family, and fight for my sanity. Tomorrow may be different but I have realized that like an alcoholic, avoidance, anxiety, anger, and falling apart are my drugs and every day that I face life with strength is one day closer to a lifetime of sobriety (in the psychological sense since I am not an alcoholic). I might make 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but I am still moving forward down a path to mental health and familial strength and I want to take my family with me but eventually they too will have to choose the path for themselves. I can only be an example and give them all the tools I have access to to add to their arsenal.

broken mirrors

Yesterday I met with someone who served to facilitate the process that would begin my healing and better mental, spiritual, and physical health. I am not going to...in this post at least...delve into all of the specifics but instead focus on one particularly meaningful piece of this session.
The analogy of a mirror was used and I will borrow some of that analogy as well as some adaptations that I brought to the analogy, and share some thoughts with you (credit where credit is due to Freedom in Christ ministries and please note that part of this is what they shared with me and some of it is my own spin on it).
When I was born, I was handed a mirror, as we all are. That mirror serves as our perspective and shapes our entire life. In that mirror was a perfect image; afterall, I was created in the image of Christ who is perfect. At a very young age someone or some event smashed my mirror. However, I still continued looking in that mirror of a broken image because it was the only one I possessed. For a lifetime I have been looking in that mirror and seeing a broken person. So what does that mean? How does that apply? I hear people describe me using words like smart, funny, supermom, capable, beautiful, insightful, thoughtful...(this is hard for me because though I hear people say these things to me I have trouble really "hearing" these descriptions and it is even harder to actually own them). When I hear these words, my brain begins this silent but deafening argument. Though it is silent to those around me it screams inside my mind and my heart. This argument essentially says, "don't you see I AM BROKEN!?!? Just look right there in that mirror, I am NOT what you say I am. I am fat, I am a horrible parent, I am crazy, I am incapable, I am unworthy, I am not as good as (fill in the blank), I am unlovable, I am not who you think I am...I am broken and this mirror-the mirror I was given proves it"! What I never considered until yesterday was that it is NOT me that is broken...my mirror was broken and thus my perspective was skewed. This distorted image has shaped and guided my life and my relationships for a very long time. Yesterday, I was handed a fresh mirror without a single scratch, crack, or distortion. I looked into this mirror and once again saw, if only for moment, I was created in the likeness of God who is perfect. Though I am scarred and wounded and bound by sin that is inherent to this world, I saw a new image. I saw a clearer image, one that was not skewed by that broken mirror.
What does that all mean? It is hard to put into words what that means to me. I am sure it means something a little bit different to everyone. I want to paint a picture for you using words what it felt like to not look in that broken mirror for the first time in 30 years. Bear with me as I attempt to explain further. When I look into the face of my almost 16 year old daughter, I see a beautiful, smart, funny, talented, artistic, logical, strong girl full of potential. I don't see blame or fault or brokenness. I know she is not perfect but to me she is perfect and the perfect image of beauty and grace. Now to change that perspective a little bit, imagine looking at your own child and his or her beauty and perfection is so obvious to you but maybe not always obvious to others and maybe not even obvious to them. But to you is he or she still perfect? Yes! I think most parents would agree that nobody can change your perspective of that perfect child because to you, he or she is the most beautiful creature on this earth. Now to further the analogy...what does God see? God sees a beautiful creation...His perfect child (I did not say blameless, I did not say sinless, I did not say without fault or flaw). So everytime I looked in that broken mirror and saw an ugly and broken image, God cried out to me that I was looking in the wrong mirror. I just couldn't hear His still, small voice because the brokenness screamed louder. So while I am not sinless, blameless, and without fault or flaw, I can see, maybe for the first time in my life that I am not broken but rather my perception is broken. I can look in the mirror and I see a few or more extra pounds, some wrinkles around my tired looking eyes, crooked bottom teeth, deep furrow lines in my brow, a goofy smirk, a mom who yells, a wife who criticizes, a friend who is selfish, a girl who sought attention for all the wrong reasons, and a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and woman who often falls short of perfection. I can also now see, with my new mirror, a person who is beautiful, strong, smart, funny, capable, and worthy to someone and maybe even to a lot of people.
I am sure that the next time I hear that I am beautiful, that voice will tell me to look into my broken mirror for proof that I am not. But I want to be strong enough to say "that is a lie and my new mirror proves it"!
Imagine for a moment living for 30 years looking at a warped and broken image of yourself and your life and your relationships. Now imagine that someone comes and cleans that mirror off or hands you an unbroken image. It is overwhelming, it is beautiful, it is scary, it is clear. Where I used to see hideous broken lines, canyons of emptiness, craters of black, and disjointed glimpses of the picture...I now see scars of a difficult life lived to the best of my ability, the painful consequences of my actions, and truth of my potential. The picture is the same, it is the perception that has changed. I am NOT perfect but I am also NOT broken. I am...not broken.
So last night, I walked into a room full of people who prior to yesterday intimidated me, who I perceived as better than me, who I knew would judge me, and who might behind my facade see this broken girl with confidence. I had confidence because I am...not broken. I am strong, I am funny (dang funny actually), I am beautiful (to my husband at least though I am not sure his vision is not somehow impaired), I am smart, I am capable, I am worthy, and I am...not broken. I hope that I can stay in this place but if for some reason you find me hiding again behind a facade remind me that I may be looking in my old mirror. I am not blameless, I am not without sin, I am not without fault or flaw, I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be, and I am not perfect but I am...not broken.

another sleepless night

Ummm okay not 30 minutes from the time I wrote the last post where I explained that I had been doing so much better this week...it hit me! I was having some minor anxiety surrounding tomorrow but nothing overwhelming. Then I was sitting there and this overwhelming physical feeling of what I describe as an unnecessary adrenaline rush shot through me, I felt like my arms and legs were heavy and tingly and it felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was beating fast and I felt shaky and nauseous. It was the physical that preceded the swirling thoughts this go around. I am not completely in a full out panic attack but it is after 12:30 and I have to get up super early tomorrow and of course these swirly tornado thoughts are keeping me from sleeping. It is really frustrating me more than anything right now. It is making me angry at myself that I cannot stop this "insanity". Apparently, I am pretty easy to predict although I have not yet learned to predict my own anxiety coming on. Shawn said, "your just starting to think about all the things you have to do tomorrow", which led to the ah-ha moment of "yes and all of the things that are going to be out of my control". However, naming it and acknowledging it did not make it go away. So what to do...get up and try to sort it out for the whole world to read because somehow that seems to take the tornado from an F5 down to an F2 sometimes. Who does this? Sometimes I think that I really am crazy and I can't tell you the number of times that I have been asked in the last 2-3 weeks if I am okay. My answer is usually "ya I'm okay" but what I really want to say is "well I thought I was okay until you asked, but now I am wondering if I'm not okay since you brought it up", or "if you mean do I want to kill myself or others the answer is no so I guess that means I'm okay", or "hell no I'm not okay but I haven't been for approximately 30 years so why ask now", or "I think I'm as okay as I'm ever going to be", or "if I say yes will you stop asking", or "if I admit that I'm not okay does that mean that everything that is bothering me is in my head and not really valid because that really ticks me off ". So before asking me if I'm okay, I think one should evaluate what they really want to know because I might start telling them the truth. Sometimes when I read these posts that I write, I ask myself if it is the writings of a lunatic and what do people really think when they read these things. But I guess I hope that it really will help someone else someday realize that they are not alone in all of this mess called anxiety. The truth is, I may always find myself in the midst of this panic that is my life and the truth is that this may be the cross I am meant to bear for all of my earthly life, and the truth is that I hate it, and the truth is that sometimes I feel as crazy as I sound, and the worst truth of them all is that I am becoming more and more aware of how this cross that I bear affects those that I love in small ways and in very very big ways. I want them to know that I would never choose this for them and I hope someday they understand that sometimes I really want to just be their mom, his wife, her daughter, her friend, etc. without all the anxiety that surrounds those relationships for me. I want to be stronger for them, I want to be their safe place, I want to show them the right way...but I fear I am only showing them what NOT to be and that is a painful reality. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted these lives to me when I am so unworthy of them. They are so wonderful and more deserving than what I can provide. So it is now 1 am and I have to get up in 5 hours for a very very long day tomorrow. I guess I shall lie awake in bed watching the clock until it is time to get up as I do so many nights. Maybe tonight will be the night that God decides I have endured enough and he will take this anxiety from me once and for all...wouldn't that be AWESOME!?!?!

Doing a little better and some other random thoughts

Well tomorrow I am heading to St. Louis to meet with someone about my "issues" and of course it is causing a considerable amount of anxiety. Not that I am anxious about meeting with her but I am anxious about everything else. For example, I am feeling rushed that I have to leave town immediately following dropping the kids off at school, I am worried that one of them will get sick while I am gone or will need something at school or for some reason I will be unavailable if they need me. I am anxious that it is Shawn's day off (one of very few and far between) and I won't be spending it with him. I am anxious about the drive and about getting myself and the kids ready in the morning and all of the rush entailed. I am anxious mostly though for the change in my routine. It is my first instinct to just want to cancel, reschedule, be sick, postpone, etc. because that is much easier than dealing with the anxiety associated with a change in routine.
Actually the last week has been a lot better...a lot lot better. I have the general nervousness that I always have and a few things here and there will throw me for a little loop but I am for the most part "in control of" rather than "controlled by" the anxiety. I guess I wonder sometimes what exactly creates the times when the anxiety takes over the rational thought. Do I let this happen or is it just too overpowering to control? Is it really triggered by things I am not even aware of. I mean, I understand that I have some pretty clear triggers but even those I can usually pinpoint and handle because I can talk myself through them...like the rational over-thinking the anxiety. But what I don't understand is the times when I am completely overtaken by anxiety to the point of panic and depression and hopelessness like a week ago. I am not sure what exactly triggered that...I know that things that helped propel it and created more spiraling but I don't know how it started or how it went from my "normal" nagging anxiety to the intense panic episodes I was experiencing unrelentingly for a couple weeks.
So let me also share something else with you...our health care system and especially our mental health care system in this country is broken! I am SHOCKED at how difficult it is to access the care that I know I need without insurance. I am not asking for free care but I am asking for affordable and timely health care; neither of which has been offered to me except through a ministry group in St. Louis (I won't give details of their group yet until I ask permission). I have called a LOT of places and here are my responses after I describe that I need to be seen for severe, frequent, increasing and debilitating panic episodes (all of which are clinically significant in my opinion): "We aren't accepting new patients", "We charge $190-230 for the first appointment and $90-125 per subsequent visit", "We can see you in 3 weeks from next Friday", "You could go to the ER"(I'm sure my ER dr. friends would appreciate that since ER's are already overused and misused), "If you aren't suicidal or homicidal, we cannot fit you in any sooner but if you are suicidal or homicidal you need to go to the ER" (which I am neither just in case you wondered). So what does a person do? What does a person do if they can't find a dr. to treat them for a reasonable cost in a reasonable amount of time? And what is reasonable? And why does someone have to be suicidal or homicidal to access urgent psychiatric treatment? This is a huge frustration for me! One I cannot control and one that very personally affects me and my family.
I also wanted to let you in on another of my opinions. I believe in God and I believe that prayers are answered. I have a very real relationship with God. I also believe that God uses medication and physicians on this earth. So while I can (and believe me I DO) ask God to take this anxiety from me, so far He has not done it and I have to continue to trust Him as well as find ways to cope in very tangible ways while I live on this earth. Sometimes I get frustrated with God because he hasn't taken this away from me and sometimes I give up asking although I know His word tells me that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know the promise...sometimes I have a hard time believing that it applies to me.
So after tomorrow and with permission I will let you know how the appointment goes.

ready for the crash landing...

The last 3 days have really been bad. It seems as if I am spiraling and the deeper I fall, the faster I get there. I keep thinking I should be at the bottom soon but it never comes, only darker and deeper and faster with no bottom in sight. The crash scares me less than this endless fall. My family has almost insisted that I seek help and my friend has set me up with someone who will provide her services for free. However, I am hesitant about all of it because I just don't want to do it and I don't want to admit that all the problems are my fault and I don't want to even be in this stupid situation. So what does anxiety feel like today? Ummmm....have I used the word hell yet? I think I have. I feel like a lot of my anxiety has changed into hopelessness and depression which is a while different issue. I am either completely overwhelmed with a nauseating nervousness and last night I actually vomited because I was so anxious. My whole body shakes uncontrollably a lot of the time. I can hardly stand to have a conversation with anyone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to stay in my bedroom with the door shut. I am tired of crying and it seems like that is all I can do the last 3 days. Apparently this is hard on other people too (which I know rationally), and in an attempt to make me snap out of it or other unknown to me reason I have had some people lash out at me about how this is creating a miserable existence for everyone in my life. Probably true and probably on my top ten list of things that make me anxious is for my family to be hurting and probably the very last thing I needed to hear as I fall crashing into an abyss. What does anxiety look like? It looks really dark and cold and scary. It looks like sad little faces that don't understand why their mom is always crying. It looks like I have the shittiest attitude on the planet. It looks like anger toward me for something I have no control of. It looks like my world is crashing in around me and I am letting it. It looks like a really messy house with dishes and laundry stacking up because I cannot face it. It looks like...failure!
So anyway I have an appointment next Friday in St. Louis. So wish me luck and prayers appreciated.

what does anxiety feel like today...

Ummmm....not sure where to go with this blog since I have pretty much given you a run-down and all the information I know about anxiety and explained the how, why, and what about my specific anxiety disorder. I can tell you that today has been pretty rough. I woke up feeling positive and proactive in making some tough decisions and actually got through it pretty well so that was a huge success. Instead of celebrating that success, I have been in a literal marathon panic attack for the rest of the day. I am not sure if it is because I handled what I had to handle and then it hit me or if it is the culmination of things that have surfaced today...maybe a little of both. One of the things I do is second-guess my decisions A LOT! So even though I made a decision together with my daughter that I really believe will be the best for her and our family, I have spent the rest of the day second-guessing myself and the decision and rehearsing all of the catastrophic things that could result from my decision (by the way catastrophic thoughts are textbook anxiety...so I'm a nut we have already established that lol). Additionally this evening marks the end of Shawn's 3 days off so I am already stressing about the next 5 days of him working 24/7. I am anticipating a lot of sleepless nights for him, his increased pain that always results from sleepless nights, and the tension that usually builds during this time. 2 of the kids went to KC with my mom today so of course that sends me into the worry tailspin. Ummmm we are a week away from school starting and I am just not prepared literally or emotionally. Some small town/small school drama is taking its usual toll on me except is intensified because I am already having a lot of anxiety today.
And it pretty much feels like a fire has been set to all of my rational thoughts and a tornado is ripping through me. So that is what anxiety feels like today...

Is anxiety a choice?

So I do one of two things when I feel anxious...stand my ground to control the situation no matter who I piss off and no matter what the consequences until I "win" (not really winning when I make people angry, hurt their feelings, or end up creating unnecessary drama in my life) or I completely just let it all go to the point of ignoring things hoping they will disappear (this doesn't really work either as usually the problem just gets bigger, more pressing, or overwhelming...and I eventually have to deal with it anyway). I am either completely stubborn or just say screw it and take a nap neither of which really works in the long run.
I mentioned previously that one of my kids was really struggling to make a decision about school and whether to stay where she is and unhappy or move to the public school. Either is probably a fine choice although both have consequences both good and bad. I am terrified to make the wrong choice and terrified to let her make the choice because afterall I'm her mom and I should know the "right" answer all the time...right? Additionally, if she makes the choice then I am not in control and we all know that control is my thing. Well in this case, I'm not sure there is a "right" answer. We have both wavered and contemplated, and I have prayed and stewed, and today we had no choice but to just make the choice since school starts next week. Now the anxiety sets in...I am terrified I have guided her in the wrong direction, I am terrified we will be judged for making this choice, I am terrified that she will hate the choice she made and be unhappy, I am terrified that it will be a great choice and we will have spent all this time and energy crying over something very insignificant in the big picture. My first reaction was to just ignore it and take a nap, a lot of long naps (and what did it get me...nothing because I had to wake up and deal with it anyway), then my reaction was to just be mad about anything and everything even the color of backpack she picked (and what did that get me...nothing but my daughter's hurt feelings), and now my reaction is again to just pretend it isn't happening and maybe tomorrow it will not feel so scary and overwhelming. Although going to enroll her in school is going to be scary and overwhelming so I can surmise that tomorrow will bring with it a lot of anxiety of its own.
Funny how I am anxious a lot of times just about becoming anxious.
Why do I write these blogs? I write them because the tornado in my brain becomes dizzy-ing and when I write these things it forces me to focus this tornado into a straight line wind with a purpose.
Yesterday, I almost missed out on a great opportunity. We were invited to spend some time at a friend's lake house with some other friends and the kids. I already had planned all the reasons why we shouldn't go. I don't know why, I love hanging out with these people and I knew we would have fun. But it just seemed easier to stay home because home is safe. Home, nobody judges me; home is easy. I kept asking Shawn if he was too tired to go and hoping he would say yes (he had every right to say yes afterall he only slept 6 hours in 48) but he wanted to go. I was literally sick all the way there and I wanted to throw up. I don't know why but I was just anxious. We ended up having an awesome time, which I knew we would. It is times like that I wish I could just get up in the morning, be excited at what was to come, and enjoy my day...my whole day start to finish rather than spending 3 days anticipating all the things that could be horrible about a day.
So maybe tomorrow I can wake up and be excited about what this change could mean for our family and my daughter instead of agonizing about all the things that could go wrong. Yes...that is what I will do...wait I'm not sure I have a choice or I would always choose to take that route. Is anxiety a choice? If it's a choice, can someone please tell me how to make better choices?

Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death. One of my biggest sources of anxiety revolves around death and abandonment yet death is a big part of our lives. I, of all people, would have never imagined that I would marry a man who deals with death every day and it is even more of a stretch that we would actually be living in this place where we deal with hundreds of deaths a year. I'm not sure if this has been good for me because it has forced me face this fear. Or if it has been bad for me because it has created an increased detachment. Let me explain...I briefly mentioned this before but I will expand on it a little more. I fear death and abandonment so much that I sometimes obsess about it happening to people I love (not myself and not that I don't believe they can't go to heaven just the absence of them in my life). So to avoid this anxiety associated with my fear, I detach. I start letting myself believe that if I don't love someone or don't become attached to someone they won't die because God only takes people that I love, people that someone loves. Hang in there with me for a minute on this because I know it sounds peculiar at best. I DO love and love very deeply, I am also extremely attached to people. It is more like I think if I exhibit that I care then God will use that against me and take those people from me as punishment of some kind. Rationally, I know that is not the case but remember anxiety and the resulting behavior is NOT rational. Being exposed to death so much has forced me to literally look death in the face...the face of every man, woman, and child that we take care of. But since it is not a funeral home, we don't deal with the grieving families only the shell left when the person has gone. We just take care of preparing the person and then the funeral home takes over. So while I am not afraid of the person who is dead or the shell that is left in the form of a body, I realized today that I still fear the emotion that results, the emotions of the living.
I am always a little taken by surprise at the depth of emotion I feel when I experience death of someone I love (as anyone would) or even just am exposed to people who are experiencing death of someone they love. I am swirled back to the irrationality that surrounds death in my mind...it is not a person who is dead who brings me to this place it is the living element that evokes this swirl of panic. It is almost as if I never properly grieved some significant losses in my life because I was so young or I chose to just detach after an initial wave of intense emotion.
Death is not something I can control but since as you learned from my last post, I try to control EVERYTHING in tangible and intangible ways I even want to control death.
The last few days have been pretty good actually from an anxiety standpoint. For a couple weeks I have been blasted with anxiety daily and panic attacks several times a day. Last weekend helped as we had some family time away even though I had a couple mild "spells" (that word makes me laugh every time I type it) it was pretty manageable overall. This week hasn't been awful just an occasional "spell" and the usual constant nagging nervousness that I consider normal but I know it isn't. Tonight, though has been tough and especially now that the house is quiet.
Tonight I looked a friend in the eyes who lost someone she dearly loved, I saw a room full of grieving people who lost a dear friend or family member, I had to explain to my daughter how these "things" go (visitations) as she cried because she was sad for her friend who was hurting so deeply...death I can handle, the depth of emotion and pain that is left behind is what sends my brain swirling and begins to surface pain I have stuffed down my whole life where it is safe and doesn't hurt. I was hugging my friend to comfort her but in some strange way it felt more like she might have been the stronger one (maybe not in the moment but definitely in the big picture).

Anxiety treatment and my control issues

A couple techniques used to help people tackle anxiety disorders are cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy. CBT requires that a person focus on their thoughts and the resulting behavior. This type of treatment aids a person in identifying and challenging the irrational fears that are at the root of the anxiety. Exposure therapy forces a person to face their fears in a safe and controlled environment with a therapist walking you through the process. After repeated exposure to the anxiety-provoking stimuli (whether that is a real or imaginary object or situation) you become habituated to it. In real people words that just means you get used to it to the point that you no longer fear it. Once a person is exposed to this fear over and over without harm, the anxiety gradually decreases because as I have mentioned before rational thought and anxiety are not friends. Of course medication can also be used to normalize or bring balance back to the screwy brain chemistry (those are real people words and not in any way appropriate for a psych major lol).
The thing I am struggling to pinpoint is my exact triggers and how I can tackle them.
One of my major obstacles is control and that there are things outside of my control (yes I really believe I should be able to control everything and everyone around me, and as you know that is absolutely in every way impossible!!!). Specifically, planning and scheduling are a huge source of anxiety for me. The hard part about facing this is that I can't give it up all together, obviously with a large family and being a mom I have to plan and schedule things. I honestly suffer huge panic attacks surrounding planning to the point that it really frustrates the people in my life. If one small glitch in "the plan" happens, I just can't deal and it literally sends me into a tailspin. In my mind though I cannot understand how CBT or exposure therapy could help...I can apply it to case study after case study but I cannot apply it to myself. I assume this would involve allowing someone else, like my very capable husband, to plan and schedule our lives and just roll with it. He has virtually quit trying to plan things, even fun things that I really want him to plan like a surprise trip or a night out without any input from me. Sometimes I get mad at him and ask him why he never takes me out or plans a little weekend away etc. and his response is always the same: "I can't plan anything because you would get mad because I didn't do it right". Wow that is painful to hear and as much as I will argue this with him, it is true. I struggle when we leave for a weekend because it takes such precise planning and control on my part to make sure everything happens exactly the way that I would do it. This frustrates those who care for the kids when we are gone because it involves lists and instructions and numerous phone calls etc. If I sit here long enough and think about it with my rational brain, I know that if the kids are late for school, or they miss a basketball practice, or they go to bed at 900 instead of 830; the end of the world will not come. But in the moment it seems huge! That moment in time somehow means I have not done my job as a mom and people will think I am a bad mom. I equate everything to my capability and worth so if something gets messed up...it is a direct reflection of me. Stupid...so freaking stupid and frustrating! I honestly wish I could seek out CBT or exposure therapy. I want to be free from this disorder. I want my children to be free from this disorder because they are also imprisoned by my anxiety. I want my husband to be free to plan something without any input from me. I attempt to justify my control because we have a large family and everything I do revolves around making sure that everything is planned and perfectly carried out. But there are capable people in my life that can do it and I really am exhausted by trying to control the world. I just want to be free!