Well tomorrow I am heading to St. Louis to meet with someone about my "issues" and of course it is causing a considerable amount of anxiety. Not that I am anxious about meeting with her but I am anxious about everything else. For example, I am feeling rushed that I have to leave town immediately following dropping the kids off at school, I am worried that one of them will get sick while I am gone or will need something at school or for some reason I will be unavailable if they need me. I am anxious that it is Shawn's day off (one of very few and far between) and I won't be spending it with him. I am anxious about the drive and about getting myself and the kids ready in the morning and all of the rush entailed. I am anxious mostly though for the change in my routine. It is my first instinct to just want to cancel, reschedule, be sick, postpone, etc. because that is much easier than dealing with the anxiety associated with a change in routine.
Actually the last week has been a lot better...a lot lot better. I have the general nervousness that I always have and a few things here and there will throw me for a little loop but I am for the most part "in control of" rather than "controlled by" the anxiety. I guess I wonder sometimes what exactly creates the times when the anxiety takes over the rational thought. Do I let this happen or is it just too overpowering to control? Is it really triggered by things I am not even aware of. I mean, I understand that I have some pretty clear triggers but even those I can usually pinpoint and handle because I can talk myself through them...like the rational over-thinking the anxiety. But what I don't understand is the times when I am completely overtaken by anxiety to the point of panic and depression and hopelessness like a week ago. I am not sure what exactly triggered that...I know that things that helped propel it and created more spiraling but I don't know how it started or how it went from my "normal" nagging anxiety to the intense panic episodes I was experiencing unrelentingly for a couple weeks.
So let me also share something else with you...our health care system and especially our mental health care system in this country is broken! I am SHOCKED at how difficult it is to access the care that I know I need without insurance. I am not asking for free care but I am asking for affordable and timely health care; neither of which has been offered to me except through a ministry group in St. Louis (I won't give details of their group yet until I ask permission). I have called a LOT of places and here are my responses after I describe that I need to be seen for severe, frequent, increasing and debilitating panic episodes (all of which are clinically significant in my opinion): "We aren't accepting new patients", "We charge $190-230 for the first appointment and $90-125 per subsequent visit", "We can see you in 3 weeks from next Friday", "You could go to the ER"(I'm sure my ER dr. friends would appreciate that since ER's are already overused and misused), "If you aren't suicidal or homicidal, we cannot fit you in any sooner but if you are suicidal or homicidal you need to go to the ER" (which I am neither just in case you wondered). So what does a person do? What does a person do if they can't find a dr. to treat them for a reasonable cost in a reasonable amount of time? And what is reasonable? And why does someone have to be suicidal or homicidal to access urgent psychiatric treatment? This is a huge frustration for me! One I cannot control and one that very personally affects me and my family.
I also wanted to let you in on another of my opinions. I believe in God and I believe that prayers are answered. I have a very real relationship with God. I also believe that God uses medication and physicians on this earth. So while I can (and believe me I DO) ask God to take this anxiety from me, so far He has not done it and I have to continue to trust Him as well as find ways to cope in very tangible ways while I live on this earth. Sometimes I get frustrated with God because he hasn't taken this away from me and sometimes I give up asking although I know His word tells me that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know the promise...sometimes I have a hard time believing that it applies to me.
So after tomorrow and with permission I will let you know how the appointment goes.
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