broken mirrors

Yesterday I met with someone who served to facilitate the process that would begin my healing and better mental, spiritual, and physical health. I am not going to...in this post at least...delve into all of the specifics but instead focus on one particularly meaningful piece of this session.
The analogy of a mirror was used and I will borrow some of that analogy as well as some adaptations that I brought to the analogy, and share some thoughts with you (credit where credit is due to Freedom in Christ ministries and please note that part of this is what they shared with me and some of it is my own spin on it).
When I was born, I was handed a mirror, as we all are. That mirror serves as our perspective and shapes our entire life. In that mirror was a perfect image; afterall, I was created in the image of Christ who is perfect. At a very young age someone or some event smashed my mirror. However, I still continued looking in that mirror of a broken image because it was the only one I possessed. For a lifetime I have been looking in that mirror and seeing a broken person. So what does that mean? How does that apply? I hear people describe me using words like smart, funny, supermom, capable, beautiful, insightful, thoughtful...(this is hard for me because though I hear people say these things to me I have trouble really "hearing" these descriptions and it is even harder to actually own them). When I hear these words, my brain begins this silent but deafening argument. Though it is silent to those around me it screams inside my mind and my heart. This argument essentially says, "don't you see I AM BROKEN!?!? Just look right there in that mirror, I am NOT what you say I am. I am fat, I am a horrible parent, I am crazy, I am incapable, I am unworthy, I am not as good as (fill in the blank), I am unlovable, I am not who you think I am...I am broken and this mirror-the mirror I was given proves it"! What I never considered until yesterday was that it is NOT me that is broken...my mirror was broken and thus my perspective was skewed. This distorted image has shaped and guided my life and my relationships for a very long time. Yesterday, I was handed a fresh mirror without a single scratch, crack, or distortion. I looked into this mirror and once again saw, if only for moment, I was created in the likeness of God who is perfect. Though I am scarred and wounded and bound by sin that is inherent to this world, I saw a new image. I saw a clearer image, one that was not skewed by that broken mirror.
What does that all mean? It is hard to put into words what that means to me. I am sure it means something a little bit different to everyone. I want to paint a picture for you using words what it felt like to not look in that broken mirror for the first time in 30 years. Bear with me as I attempt to explain further. When I look into the face of my almost 16 year old daughter, I see a beautiful, smart, funny, talented, artistic, logical, strong girl full of potential. I don't see blame or fault or brokenness. I know she is not perfect but to me she is perfect and the perfect image of beauty and grace. Now to change that perspective a little bit, imagine looking at your own child and his or her beauty and perfection is so obvious to you but maybe not always obvious to others and maybe not even obvious to them. But to you is he or she still perfect? Yes! I think most parents would agree that nobody can change your perspective of that perfect child because to you, he or she is the most beautiful creature on this earth. Now to further the analogy...what does God see? God sees a beautiful creation...His perfect child (I did not say blameless, I did not say sinless, I did not say without fault or flaw). So everytime I looked in that broken mirror and saw an ugly and broken image, God cried out to me that I was looking in the wrong mirror. I just couldn't hear His still, small voice because the brokenness screamed louder. So while I am not sinless, blameless, and without fault or flaw, I can see, maybe for the first time in my life that I am not broken but rather my perception is broken. I can look in the mirror and I see a few or more extra pounds, some wrinkles around my tired looking eyes, crooked bottom teeth, deep furrow lines in my brow, a goofy smirk, a mom who yells, a wife who criticizes, a friend who is selfish, a girl who sought attention for all the wrong reasons, and a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and woman who often falls short of perfection. I can also now see, with my new mirror, a person who is beautiful, strong, smart, funny, capable, and worthy to someone and maybe even to a lot of people.
I am sure that the next time I hear that I am beautiful, that voice will tell me to look into my broken mirror for proof that I am not. But I want to be strong enough to say "that is a lie and my new mirror proves it"!
Imagine for a moment living for 30 years looking at a warped and broken image of yourself and your life and your relationships. Now imagine that someone comes and cleans that mirror off or hands you an unbroken image. It is overwhelming, it is beautiful, it is scary, it is clear. Where I used to see hideous broken lines, canyons of emptiness, craters of black, and disjointed glimpses of the picture...I now see scars of a difficult life lived to the best of my ability, the painful consequences of my actions, and truth of my potential. The picture is the same, it is the perception that has changed. I am NOT perfect but I am also NOT broken. I am...not broken.
So last night, I walked into a room full of people who prior to yesterday intimidated me, who I perceived as better than me, who I knew would judge me, and who might behind my facade see this broken girl with confidence. I had confidence because I am...not broken. I am strong, I am funny (dang funny actually), I am beautiful (to my husband at least though I am not sure his vision is not somehow impaired), I am smart, I am capable, I am worthy, and I am...not broken. I hope that I can stay in this place but if for some reason you find me hiding again behind a facade remind me that I may be looking in my old mirror. I am not blameless, I am not without sin, I am not without fault or flaw, I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be, and I am not perfect but I am...not broken.