another sleepless night

Ummm okay not 30 minutes from the time I wrote the last post where I explained that I had been doing so much better this week...it hit me! I was having some minor anxiety surrounding tomorrow but nothing overwhelming. Then I was sitting there and this overwhelming physical feeling of what I describe as an unnecessary adrenaline rush shot through me, I felt like my arms and legs were heavy and tingly and it felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was beating fast and I felt shaky and nauseous. It was the physical that preceded the swirling thoughts this go around. I am not completely in a full out panic attack but it is after 12:30 and I have to get up super early tomorrow and of course these swirly tornado thoughts are keeping me from sleeping. It is really frustrating me more than anything right now. It is making me angry at myself that I cannot stop this "insanity". Apparently, I am pretty easy to predict although I have not yet learned to predict my own anxiety coming on. Shawn said, "your just starting to think about all the things you have to do tomorrow", which led to the ah-ha moment of "yes and all of the things that are going to be out of my control". However, naming it and acknowledging it did not make it go away. So what to do...get up and try to sort it out for the whole world to read because somehow that seems to take the tornado from an F5 down to an F2 sometimes. Who does this? Sometimes I think that I really am crazy and I can't tell you the number of times that I have been asked in the last 2-3 weeks if I am okay. My answer is usually "ya I'm okay" but what I really want to say is "well I thought I was okay until you asked, but now I am wondering if I'm not okay since you brought it up", or "if you mean do I want to kill myself or others the answer is no so I guess that means I'm okay", or "hell no I'm not okay but I haven't been for approximately 30 years so why ask now", or "I think I'm as okay as I'm ever going to be", or "if I say yes will you stop asking", or "if I admit that I'm not okay does that mean that everything that is bothering me is in my head and not really valid because that really ticks me off ". So before asking me if I'm okay, I think one should evaluate what they really want to know because I might start telling them the truth. Sometimes when I read these posts that I write, I ask myself if it is the writings of a lunatic and what do people really think when they read these things. But I guess I hope that it really will help someone else someday realize that they are not alone in all of this mess called anxiety. The truth is, I may always find myself in the midst of this panic that is my life and the truth is that this may be the cross I am meant to bear for all of my earthly life, and the truth is that I hate it, and the truth is that sometimes I feel as crazy as I sound, and the worst truth of them all is that I am becoming more and more aware of how this cross that I bear affects those that I love in small ways and in very very big ways. I want them to know that I would never choose this for them and I hope someday they understand that sometimes I really want to just be their mom, his wife, her daughter, her friend, etc. without all the anxiety that surrounds those relationships for me. I want to be stronger for them, I want to be their safe place, I want to show them the right way...but I fear I am only showing them what NOT to be and that is a painful reality. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted these lives to me when I am so unworthy of them. They are so wonderful and more deserving than what I can provide. So it is now 1 am and I have to get up in 5 hours for a very very long day tomorrow. I guess I shall lie awake in bed watching the clock until it is time to get up as I do so many nights. Maybe tonight will be the night that God decides I have endured enough and he will take this anxiety from me once and for all...wouldn't that be AWESOME!?!?!