The last 3 days have really been bad. It seems as if I am spiraling and the deeper I fall, the faster I get there. I keep thinking I should be at the bottom soon but it never comes, only darker and deeper and faster with no bottom in sight. The crash scares me less than this endless fall. My family has almost insisted that I seek help and my friend has set me up with someone who will provide her services for free. However, I am hesitant about all of it because I just don't want to do it and I don't want to admit that all the problems are my fault and I don't want to even be in this stupid situation. So what does anxiety feel like today? Ummmm....have I used the word hell yet? I think I have. I feel like a lot of my anxiety has changed into hopelessness and depression which is a while different issue. I am either completely overwhelmed with a nauseating nervousness and last night I actually vomited because I was so anxious. My whole body shakes uncontrollably a lot of the time. I can hardly stand to have a conversation with anyone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to stay in my bedroom with the door shut. I am tired of crying and it seems like that is all I can do the last 3 days. Apparently this is hard on other people too (which I know rationally), and in an attempt to make me snap out of it or other unknown to me reason I have had some people lash out at me about how this is creating a miserable existence for everyone in my life. Probably true and probably on my top ten list of things that make me anxious is for my family to be hurting and probably the very last thing I needed to hear as I fall crashing into an abyss. What does anxiety look like? It looks really dark and cold and scary. It looks like sad little faces that don't understand why their mom is always crying. It looks like I have the shittiest attitude on the planet. It looks like anger toward me for something I have no control of. It looks like my world is crashing in around me and I am letting it. It looks like a really messy house with dishes and laundry stacking up because I cannot face it. It looks like...failure!
So anyway I have an appointment next Friday in St. Louis. So wish me luck and prayers appreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment