Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death. One of my biggest sources of anxiety revolves around death and abandonment yet death is a big part of our lives. I, of all people, would have never imagined that I would marry a man who deals with death every day and it is even more of a stretch that we would actually be living in this place where we deal with hundreds of deaths a year. I'm not sure if this has been good for me because it has forced me face this fear. Or if it has been bad for me because it has created an increased detachment. Let me explain...I briefly mentioned this before but I will expand on it a little more. I fear death and abandonment so much that I sometimes obsess about it happening to people I love (not myself and not that I don't believe they can't go to heaven just the absence of them in my life). So to avoid this anxiety associated with my fear, I detach. I start letting myself believe that if I don't love someone or don't become attached to someone they won't die because God only takes people that I love, people that someone loves. Hang in there with me for a minute on this because I know it sounds peculiar at best. I DO love and love very deeply, I am also extremely attached to people. It is more like I think if I exhibit that I care then God will use that against me and take those people from me as punishment of some kind. Rationally, I know that is not the case but remember anxiety and the resulting behavior is NOT rational. Being exposed to death so much has forced me to literally look death in the face...the face of every man, woman, and child that we take care of. But since it is not a funeral home, we don't deal with the grieving families only the shell left when the person has gone. We just take care of preparing the person and then the funeral home takes over. So while I am not afraid of the person who is dead or the shell that is left in the form of a body, I realized today that I still fear the emotion that results, the emotions of the living.
I am always a little taken by surprise at the depth of emotion I feel when I experience death of someone I love (as anyone would) or even just am exposed to people who are experiencing death of someone they love. I am swirled back to the irrationality that surrounds death in my mind...it is not a person who is dead who brings me to this place it is the living element that evokes this swirl of panic. It is almost as if I never properly grieved some significant losses in my life because I was so young or I chose to just detach after an initial wave of intense emotion.
Death is not something I can control but since as you learned from my last post, I try to control EVERYTHING in tangible and intangible ways I even want to control death.
The last few days have been pretty good actually from an anxiety standpoint. For a couple weeks I have been blasted with anxiety daily and panic attacks several times a day. Last weekend helped as we had some family time away even though I had a couple mild "spells" (that word makes me laugh every time I type it) it was pretty manageable overall. This week hasn't been awful just an occasional "spell" and the usual constant nagging nervousness that I consider normal but I know it isn't. Tonight, though has been tough and especially now that the house is quiet.
Tonight I looked a friend in the eyes who lost someone she dearly loved, I saw a room full of grieving people who lost a dear friend or family member, I had to explain to my daughter how these "things" go (visitations) as she cried because she was sad for her friend who was hurting so deeply...death I can handle, the depth of emotion and pain that is left behind is what sends my brain swirling and begins to surface pain I have stuffed down my whole life where it is safe and doesn't hurt. I was hugging my friend to comfort her but in some strange way it felt more like she might have been the stronger one (maybe not in the moment but definitely in the big picture).