progress

Sorry I have been a little absent on the blog and mostly that is because I have been doing a lot better. The meeting in St. Louis helped a lot, vacation helped a ton, and now some new medication is helping as well. A very scary mixed blessing happened to me a couple weeks ago when my heart stated racing at 220 beats a minute and I had to go to the emergency room for cardioversion medication to return my heart beat to a normal sinus rhythm. After some tests etc...it is thought that the worst won't have to happen for a long time (valve replacement) but within the next year or so I will need ablation (still not really excited about this procedure) and I was started on several medications. One of the medications is actually to keep my heart at a normal pace and more normal rhythm. This medication is also used to treat acute panic attacks because it slows everything down. So although the abnormal heart rhythm is not the result of an anxiety attack the abnormality in addition to anxiety sort of exasperate each other. Come to find out the severe anxiety symptoms I have been experiencing could have been in part caused by the heart constantly racing which gives you a lot of the same "feelings" physically. Of course I know that my anxiety is more deeply rooted than that but I do believe it is correlated. I also opted to start taking an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and anti-anxiety medication. I was not completely hooked on this idea but after a horrible fail at the first type of medication they tried me on, I have had a lot of improvement from the medication combination. Not perfect but much much better.
However, I have had unusual anxiety the last 3 days and I am not sure why. I can't find anything that is triggering me. It is a physical feeling more than the tornado in my mind that I have described before. As a matter of fact, the medication has mostly stopped that tornado trick my brain used to play on me that would send me into a spiral of destruction. It is still frustrating to experience the physical symptoms  sometimes and of course something I will talk to my dr. about. I think the worst part of it is that because I have felt better, I am not "used to" the symptoms that were plaguing me every day. And now that it has been hitting me for a few days in a row I have begun to worry that maybe I am not better or maybe it is coming back. Anxiety about anxiety again...which in my opinion is ridiculous.
Our circumstances haven't changed much and actually have gotten to a degree a little worse as far as Shawn's work. I have attempted to just take life one day at a time and not get so upset about things I can't seem to "fix". I am trying to say I'm sorry, I love you, and hug more instead of allowing myself to get wrapped up in the feeling that life is unfair and the what-ifs that often plague me.
So better but still working...I am hoping one day I can look back at anxiety as a scar rather than the gaping wound that it has represented for so long. For now, the wound is healing but still occasionally painful and ever-present in my mind. Sometimes though I forget about it for a little while and I think that is progress.

selfishness or just reality?

I am still doing relatively well with just occasional moments of not being able to deal. Tonight I am having a moment that I can feel that fear and panic welling up inside me for no obvious reason. I realized though as I was going through the why and what checklist in my brain that I am now and often take on anxiety regarding other people. Somehow I take on the anxiety that they should or might be feeling as my own and obviously have no control over how things play out for them. This often comes off as being controlling or hyper-vigilant and sometimes creates anxiety in them that they weren't feeling before. Tonight I am particularly anxious about my daughter's anxiety and it feels almost unmanageable. It takes me to the irrationality of being ill-equipped or a bad mother because I can't take her anxiety, emotions, fear, or pain away. This frustrates me and the "normal" worry that I assume all parents experience for their children sends me into a tailspin of panic. I come across as angry and blaming of others when maybe all it would take would be a hug or a silent prayer but that is difficult for me. Crazy that my anxiety revolves around not being able to take away pain but my coping mechanism for my own anxiety is to control or retreat neither of which is productive or reassuring to others. So instead of sitting her and allowing my anxiety to tell me that I am ill-equipped or a bad mother or worthless I am again just asking God to take up the slack where I am unable to comfort the hurting. Unable because other people's pain is such a stark reminder of the pain inside me that is untouchable by even the kindest of sentiments from others. Selfish? Maybe...reality? Definitely! Why didn't I come with the ability to touch the lives of others in their pain instead of taking on the pain as my own rendering me helpless? Did I come equipped with that ability but lose it along the way? Do I cause pain because you can only give what you yourself possess? Selfish or reality?

Feeling normal

Sometimes when God reminds me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, I remind Him that I cannot and then He gently reminds me that I might not be able to but He can handle it all. I have been managing pretty well and actually have been surprised at the lack of panic I have had since returning home from our trip. I don't know why and honestly every day and actually every moment of every day I wonder when it is going to hit. Anxiety about anxiety seems to be my most prevalent worry at the current time. Will it sneak in almost unnoticeable at first and just increase to panic or will it hit me like a ton of bricks (both ways occur and interestingly I am never really prepared even though I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember)? Will I be able to manage the next time? Honestly, I believe I have just become a master at avoidance. If it feels like it may trigger the anxiety, I avoid it at all cost even if that means detaching. This is not healthy but it is survival sometimes.
So today I am okay but tomorrow I may not be again.
As I talked with a friend who also experiences severe anxiety, we agreed that we would love to awaken one morning and just "feel" normal...wonder what it would feel like to "feel" normal and would I even recognize the feeling? Normal? Interesting concept...one I would like to experience some day.

I can do all things...

I think I am beginning to figure out my triggers a little more clearly and honestly they are not things that can really be avoided so I have to learn to deal with them which is proving to be quite challenging. The good news is that during our vacation I did not have a panic attack except the very first moments we stepped onto the ship and then on the last day in the crowded market place (however I am think both of these were a combination of missing the kids and just feeling overwhelmed and on the last day I was just plain exhausted). I had an amazing stress free vacation and even when it came to scuba diving which I was terrified to do, I only experienced what I would call normal anxiousness about something that was new to me. Shawn and I reconnected in part because anxiety did not stand between him and I for the first time in a very long time. And actually since we have been home for a week I have been anxiety free for the most part except for a fleeting moment here and there until last night...and then it hit me! I began to panic because Shawn is only on day 5 of a 12 day long shift with not relief. He is working on very little sleep (approximately 3-5 hours a night) and has to drive over an hour one way and spend the day gone and then an hour home and still has work lining up for when he returns. His pain in his hands is really bad right now as well. Additionally I began to panic about homecoming tonight and visions of the horrible things that happen to teenagers in cars at night. Then it all came crashing in as I just began to have the tornado of worry and the cascading fear of everything in life. So I began to pray and mostly it was just a desperate cry to be set free once and for all. I understand that many of you who read this may not believe in God or believe in his ability to set one free but I do believe that He really is the answer to all questions. Oftentimes I doubt that He is there for me but I have to believe He is or this desperation would turn to hopelessness. I prayed and prayed and prayed until my exhausted mind finally gave in to sleep which is often my escape.
Lord you did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me. The enemy surrounds me and I cannot see you, I cannot feel you, and I cannot hear your voice. God please hold me tighter because I am falling. God please hold me closer because this place feels so cold. God please speak louder because the enemies voice is screaming lies louder than your promises. God stand a little closer because I feel so alone. God you are stronger than any enemy that seeks to destroy me. God please stop the tornado that is waging war in every part of my being. I am paralyzed in this moment and rationality and faith have left me. God please show yourself to me in this war zone. God please illuminate the darkness with the light only you can shine. (and then over and over I just repeated) You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through you who strengthens me...you did not give me a spirit of fear...(until I finally drifted off to sleep).
The things causing the anxiety have not left this morning as I write this but so far the panic has not overtaken me. Moment by moment I find myself worrying that I am going to have a panic attack which feels ridiculous...worrying that I am going to worry is often enough to send me into panic. But right now I am just having that nagging nervousness that is my normal...5 minutes from now that may change. I feel like it will only take a small thing that is out of my control to come up and push me over the proverbial edge. So I will continue to pray...You did not give me a spirit of fear but I can do all things through You who strengthens me.

Escape

I just typed an entire post and lost it erggg! Maybe I was not on the right track with my writing. I woke up this morning first thing with anxiety that has lasted the entire day. So it is going on about 8 hours of what I call a tornado of irrationality. Can you imagine a real tornado lasting 8 hours and the destruction that would be left in the wake? That is how I feel. Exhausted, beaten down, broken, and destroyed. So after a valiant attempt at handling my anxiety, replacing the irrational with rational, and working through and praying through my anxiety...today I am done. I do not have anymore fight in me and it is just easier to give in than to battle something with the force of a tornado.
I feel like anxiety threatens my family, my marriage, my friendships and relationships, and just my own sanity. If I seem angry...I am, I am angry that I have no control over this chaos. If I seem unattached...I am, I am unattached because it doesn't hurt as much as being attached. If I seem unmotivated...I am, I am too tired to do anything except battle these demons. If I seem controlling...I am, because I need to control something because I cannot control this anxiety which seems to do as it pleases.
For the most part I have been working very hard to deal with the anxiety as it comes and replace irrationality with rational thoughts, rely on prayer, and talk my way through the panic. Today I am done. I am exhausted. I just want to scream uncle and have it stop! I have begun to second guess myself and question whether I am not worthy to be free from this once and for all. I am wondering if I am not praying hard enough.
I took an anxiety assessment a couple days ago. This test was designed to give your therapist or psychiatrist a score for your anxiety symptoms and then they can determine if your treatment is successful. I scored the very highest score allowed on the test...25 was the highest and I scored a 25 which I guess is-hopeless.
I don't know who I can talk to about this because honestly who really wants to deal with my drama all the time. So I isolate and I get angry and this leaves more questions than answers in the minds of those around me and it leaves me feeling alone again. I am resentful that nobody cares but I think that if I could escape me...I probably would. 

emotions lie!

I would have to say that the last week has been a little more manageable and though it seems like our family has had to deal with quite a lot the last two weeks I have been working really hard to just talk through the situations and use some cognitive behavioral techniques in addition to prayer to not allow myself to become overwhelmed. Tonight is a different story. Something very simple has taken its foothold and allowed the anxiety to run rampant. More than anything it is just so frustrating to allow something so minor to turn into something so huge. We have promised Shawn's girls that we would take them floating this weekend with some of our friends and then stay the weekend at another friend's house. Well apparently, we didn't have this planned too well because at the last minute we realized we needed to find a place to board our dog. Any other weekend this failure to plan on our part wouldn't have been a big deal but since it is Labor day weekend, all the boarding places are full. So the negative thoughts begin about breaking promises, breaking plans, etc. Then those negative thoughts cascade into physiological anxiety responses like the shaking, heart racing, dizziness, tingly arms and legs, and racing thoughts. I then begin to think about all the things that I dealt with for the last 2 weeks that didn't send me into shear panic and now they take root and grow into huge issues...and some of them are pretty significant but not at all helped by this panic I feel about them. I start to have thoughts of my unworthiness as a parent, how I could've done better or different and how I have really screwed things up. I start to think that our friends will be mad if we cancel and that they won't want to be friends anymore because I am not a good friend (much smaller in the whole scheme of things than the other issues we have been dealing with in our family but still made huge by the monster named anxiety). And then the kicker...I tell Shawn that I am having really bad anxiety but he doesn't respond in the way I think he should so I feel angry that he doesn't care and doesn't love me and will never understand (I have said before that a lot of times my anxiety translates into anger because anger is a much easier emotion for me to handle than the anxiety and panic). So...once again 3 steps forward and 2 steps back only this time I only allowed it to affect me and not everyone around me because I made the choice not to fight with Shawn about not caring which would only make my anxiety worse. I want this to be gone. I don't want to deal with it and the mental and emotional exertion it takes to "deal" with it even in productive ways is exhausting. I am sitting here talking through these lies that anxiety tells me and doing my "anxiety homework" and once again find myself attempting to turn the tornado of thoughts into something tangible. I feel that by giving anxiety a voice, I can somehow quiet the screaming in my mind and heart.
What I want most is to be able to wake up with no anxiety but the reality of that is that I will probably in some way deal with this for the rest of my life. Something interesting and new happened tonight in that I began to experience anxiety about having anxiety...crazy huh? I actually found myself becoming increasingly anxious at the thought that I might wake up anxious tomorrow which grew into living everyday feeling this way.
So am I really any better than I was when this all began? I'm not sure...I want to say yes but my anxiety tells me that I am not better and I will never be better. I pray that this is also a lie. Satan seeks to destroy families, destroy lives, and destroy all that is good in this world. My family has taken some hits recently and I want to believe that we will be stronger but I don't feel that way. So I will leave you with this thought...maybe I will never "feel" strong but emotions lie and only actions can be measured. I pray that my actions will tell a different story than the emotions that I experience...even if anxiety never leaves me.

tired

After I posted my last entry, I felt strong enough to move forward even after a rough start to the day and I felt like I could "deal". Ahhh but then, I had a meeting at school that should have been open and shut but turned into a strange power struggle and from what I gather this time I was not at fault (not that anyone would have ever placed blame on me for being a concerned mom). I became defensive and frustrated and began to fall into the way I always deal with situations out of my control by tightening the reigns of control in areas that are not really mine to control. And then the anxiety and frustration built and mounted and eventually became more than I could bear. Instead of overwhelming fear and desperateness, I found myself completely angry. When Shawn attempted to talk to me, I just told him I didn't care and it wasn't worth the fight. I am angry with him, I am angry with others (I cannot name), I am angry at the school district liaisons in charge of the services my son is "granted" based on their mood apparently, I am angry at myself for losing it tonight, I am angry that I cannot gain control of this stupid situation, and I am angry that the services available to me without insurance are limited or nonexistent. I felt like I might actually be on the track to healing and tonight I feel defeated. I am tired of the fight. I'm really just tired...

3 steps forward and 2 steps back

So I felt free for a couple days and then the doubts came rushing in and one by one I would (as taught) take those thoughts captive and release them; telling myself that they are lies and the result of a lifetime of insecurity. I have been working very hard to just work on changing me and not reacting to life in the ways that I have been programmed to react. This week I have been faced with numerous difficult events that before could have been the straw that broke the camel's back or the pebble that tipped the scales once and for all. Each time, falling 2 steps back but still each day moving 3 steps forward. My husband reminds me that 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still moving forward; however, more than anything I just feel frustrated with the process. I have not yet been completely overtaken by the anxiety that has controlled me for so long but I am growing weak and weary in this fight to find my way out of a lifestyle controlled by the battle that is constantly waging in my own heart and mind. It might be easier to give up and revert back to the old way of "dealing" except that I have realized that there is a much bigger battle to fight that doesn't just revolve around me. I could live the rest of my life living in anxiety and bondage but that is not the life I want my children and family to live. My eyes have been opened to the very real consequences of living my life this way in front of my children as they have begun to suffer with anxiety and a defeatist mentality. That is NOT okay with me. I want them to see that we are free to live a life full of joy. Today another blow after a couple days of a dig here and a dig there and it felt for a moment like I was done fighting but somewhere inside me I found another ounce of strength I didn't know was left. So for this moment I am able to fight a little while longer...fight for my freedom, fight for my marriage, fight for my children, fight for my family, and fight for my sanity. Tomorrow may be different but I have realized that like an alcoholic, avoidance, anxiety, anger, and falling apart are my drugs and every day that I face life with strength is one day closer to a lifetime of sobriety (in the psychological sense since I am not an alcoholic). I might make 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but I am still moving forward down a path to mental health and familial strength and I want to take my family with me but eventually they too will have to choose the path for themselves. I can only be an example and give them all the tools I have access to to add to their arsenal.

broken mirrors

Yesterday I met with someone who served to facilitate the process that would begin my healing and better mental, spiritual, and physical health. I am not going to...in this post at least...delve into all of the specifics but instead focus on one particularly meaningful piece of this session.
The analogy of a mirror was used and I will borrow some of that analogy as well as some adaptations that I brought to the analogy, and share some thoughts with you (credit where credit is due to Freedom in Christ ministries and please note that part of this is what they shared with me and some of it is my own spin on it).
When I was born, I was handed a mirror, as we all are. That mirror serves as our perspective and shapes our entire life. In that mirror was a perfect image; afterall, I was created in the image of Christ who is perfect. At a very young age someone or some event smashed my mirror. However, I still continued looking in that mirror of a broken image because it was the only one I possessed. For a lifetime I have been looking in that mirror and seeing a broken person. So what does that mean? How does that apply? I hear people describe me using words like smart, funny, supermom, capable, beautiful, insightful, thoughtful...(this is hard for me because though I hear people say these things to me I have trouble really "hearing" these descriptions and it is even harder to actually own them). When I hear these words, my brain begins this silent but deafening argument. Though it is silent to those around me it screams inside my mind and my heart. This argument essentially says, "don't you see I AM BROKEN!?!? Just look right there in that mirror, I am NOT what you say I am. I am fat, I am a horrible parent, I am crazy, I am incapable, I am unworthy, I am not as good as (fill in the blank), I am unlovable, I am not who you think I am...I am broken and this mirror-the mirror I was given proves it"! What I never considered until yesterday was that it is NOT me that is broken...my mirror was broken and thus my perspective was skewed. This distorted image has shaped and guided my life and my relationships for a very long time. Yesterday, I was handed a fresh mirror without a single scratch, crack, or distortion. I looked into this mirror and once again saw, if only for moment, I was created in the likeness of God who is perfect. Though I am scarred and wounded and bound by sin that is inherent to this world, I saw a new image. I saw a clearer image, one that was not skewed by that broken mirror.
What does that all mean? It is hard to put into words what that means to me. I am sure it means something a little bit different to everyone. I want to paint a picture for you using words what it felt like to not look in that broken mirror for the first time in 30 years. Bear with me as I attempt to explain further. When I look into the face of my almost 16 year old daughter, I see a beautiful, smart, funny, talented, artistic, logical, strong girl full of potential. I don't see blame or fault or brokenness. I know she is not perfect but to me she is perfect and the perfect image of beauty and grace. Now to change that perspective a little bit, imagine looking at your own child and his or her beauty and perfection is so obvious to you but maybe not always obvious to others and maybe not even obvious to them. But to you is he or she still perfect? Yes! I think most parents would agree that nobody can change your perspective of that perfect child because to you, he or she is the most beautiful creature on this earth. Now to further the analogy...what does God see? God sees a beautiful creation...His perfect child (I did not say blameless, I did not say sinless, I did not say without fault or flaw). So everytime I looked in that broken mirror and saw an ugly and broken image, God cried out to me that I was looking in the wrong mirror. I just couldn't hear His still, small voice because the brokenness screamed louder. So while I am not sinless, blameless, and without fault or flaw, I can see, maybe for the first time in my life that I am not broken but rather my perception is broken. I can look in the mirror and I see a few or more extra pounds, some wrinkles around my tired looking eyes, crooked bottom teeth, deep furrow lines in my brow, a goofy smirk, a mom who yells, a wife who criticizes, a friend who is selfish, a girl who sought attention for all the wrong reasons, and a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and woman who often falls short of perfection. I can also now see, with my new mirror, a person who is beautiful, strong, smart, funny, capable, and worthy to someone and maybe even to a lot of people.
I am sure that the next time I hear that I am beautiful, that voice will tell me to look into my broken mirror for proof that I am not. But I want to be strong enough to say "that is a lie and my new mirror proves it"!
Imagine for a moment living for 30 years looking at a warped and broken image of yourself and your life and your relationships. Now imagine that someone comes and cleans that mirror off or hands you an unbroken image. It is overwhelming, it is beautiful, it is scary, it is clear. Where I used to see hideous broken lines, canyons of emptiness, craters of black, and disjointed glimpses of the picture...I now see scars of a difficult life lived to the best of my ability, the painful consequences of my actions, and truth of my potential. The picture is the same, it is the perception that has changed. I am NOT perfect but I am also NOT broken. I am...not broken.
So last night, I walked into a room full of people who prior to yesterday intimidated me, who I perceived as better than me, who I knew would judge me, and who might behind my facade see this broken girl with confidence. I had confidence because I am...not broken. I am strong, I am funny (dang funny actually), I am beautiful (to my husband at least though I am not sure his vision is not somehow impaired), I am smart, I am capable, I am worthy, and I am...not broken. I hope that I can stay in this place but if for some reason you find me hiding again behind a facade remind me that I may be looking in my old mirror. I am not blameless, I am not without sin, I am not without fault or flaw, I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be, and I am not perfect but I am...not broken.

another sleepless night

Ummm okay not 30 minutes from the time I wrote the last post where I explained that I had been doing so much better this week...it hit me! I was having some minor anxiety surrounding tomorrow but nothing overwhelming. Then I was sitting there and this overwhelming physical feeling of what I describe as an unnecessary adrenaline rush shot through me, I felt like my arms and legs were heavy and tingly and it felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was beating fast and I felt shaky and nauseous. It was the physical that preceded the swirling thoughts this go around. I am not completely in a full out panic attack but it is after 12:30 and I have to get up super early tomorrow and of course these swirly tornado thoughts are keeping me from sleeping. It is really frustrating me more than anything right now. It is making me angry at myself that I cannot stop this "insanity". Apparently, I am pretty easy to predict although I have not yet learned to predict my own anxiety coming on. Shawn said, "your just starting to think about all the things you have to do tomorrow", which led to the ah-ha moment of "yes and all of the things that are going to be out of my control". However, naming it and acknowledging it did not make it go away. So what to do...get up and try to sort it out for the whole world to read because somehow that seems to take the tornado from an F5 down to an F2 sometimes. Who does this? Sometimes I think that I really am crazy and I can't tell you the number of times that I have been asked in the last 2-3 weeks if I am okay. My answer is usually "ya I'm okay" but what I really want to say is "well I thought I was okay until you asked, but now I am wondering if I'm not okay since you brought it up", or "if you mean do I want to kill myself or others the answer is no so I guess that means I'm okay", or "hell no I'm not okay but I haven't been for approximately 30 years so why ask now", or "I think I'm as okay as I'm ever going to be", or "if I say yes will you stop asking", or "if I admit that I'm not okay does that mean that everything that is bothering me is in my head and not really valid because that really ticks me off ". So before asking me if I'm okay, I think one should evaluate what they really want to know because I might start telling them the truth. Sometimes when I read these posts that I write, I ask myself if it is the writings of a lunatic and what do people really think when they read these things. But I guess I hope that it really will help someone else someday realize that they are not alone in all of this mess called anxiety. The truth is, I may always find myself in the midst of this panic that is my life and the truth is that this may be the cross I am meant to bear for all of my earthly life, and the truth is that I hate it, and the truth is that sometimes I feel as crazy as I sound, and the worst truth of them all is that I am becoming more and more aware of how this cross that I bear affects those that I love in small ways and in very very big ways. I want them to know that I would never choose this for them and I hope someday they understand that sometimes I really want to just be their mom, his wife, her daughter, her friend, etc. without all the anxiety that surrounds those relationships for me. I want to be stronger for them, I want to be their safe place, I want to show them the right way...but I fear I am only showing them what NOT to be and that is a painful reality. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted these lives to me when I am so unworthy of them. They are so wonderful and more deserving than what I can provide. So it is now 1 am and I have to get up in 5 hours for a very very long day tomorrow. I guess I shall lie awake in bed watching the clock until it is time to get up as I do so many nights. Maybe tonight will be the night that God decides I have endured enough and he will take this anxiety from me once and for all...wouldn't that be AWESOME!?!?!

Doing a little better and some other random thoughts

Well tomorrow I am heading to St. Louis to meet with someone about my "issues" and of course it is causing a considerable amount of anxiety. Not that I am anxious about meeting with her but I am anxious about everything else. For example, I am feeling rushed that I have to leave town immediately following dropping the kids off at school, I am worried that one of them will get sick while I am gone or will need something at school or for some reason I will be unavailable if they need me. I am anxious that it is Shawn's day off (one of very few and far between) and I won't be spending it with him. I am anxious about the drive and about getting myself and the kids ready in the morning and all of the rush entailed. I am anxious mostly though for the change in my routine. It is my first instinct to just want to cancel, reschedule, be sick, postpone, etc. because that is much easier than dealing with the anxiety associated with a change in routine.
Actually the last week has been a lot better...a lot lot better. I have the general nervousness that I always have and a few things here and there will throw me for a little loop but I am for the most part "in control of" rather than "controlled by" the anxiety. I guess I wonder sometimes what exactly creates the times when the anxiety takes over the rational thought. Do I let this happen or is it just too overpowering to control? Is it really triggered by things I am not even aware of. I mean, I understand that I have some pretty clear triggers but even those I can usually pinpoint and handle because I can talk myself through them...like the rational over-thinking the anxiety. But what I don't understand is the times when I am completely overtaken by anxiety to the point of panic and depression and hopelessness like a week ago. I am not sure what exactly triggered that...I know that things that helped propel it and created more spiraling but I don't know how it started or how it went from my "normal" nagging anxiety to the intense panic episodes I was experiencing unrelentingly for a couple weeks.
So let me also share something else with you...our health care system and especially our mental health care system in this country is broken! I am SHOCKED at how difficult it is to access the care that I know I need without insurance. I am not asking for free care but I am asking for affordable and timely health care; neither of which has been offered to me except through a ministry group in St. Louis (I won't give details of their group yet until I ask permission). I have called a LOT of places and here are my responses after I describe that I need to be seen for severe, frequent, increasing and debilitating panic episodes (all of which are clinically significant in my opinion): "We aren't accepting new patients", "We charge $190-230 for the first appointment and $90-125 per subsequent visit", "We can see you in 3 weeks from next Friday", "You could go to the ER"(I'm sure my ER dr. friends would appreciate that since ER's are already overused and misused), "If you aren't suicidal or homicidal, we cannot fit you in any sooner but if you are suicidal or homicidal you need to go to the ER" (which I am neither just in case you wondered). So what does a person do? What does a person do if they can't find a dr. to treat them for a reasonable cost in a reasonable amount of time? And what is reasonable? And why does someone have to be suicidal or homicidal to access urgent psychiatric treatment? This is a huge frustration for me! One I cannot control and one that very personally affects me and my family.
I also wanted to let you in on another of my opinions. I believe in God and I believe that prayers are answered. I have a very real relationship with God. I also believe that God uses medication and physicians on this earth. So while I can (and believe me I DO) ask God to take this anxiety from me, so far He has not done it and I have to continue to trust Him as well as find ways to cope in very tangible ways while I live on this earth. Sometimes I get frustrated with God because he hasn't taken this away from me and sometimes I give up asking although I know His word tells me that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know the promise...sometimes I have a hard time believing that it applies to me.
So after tomorrow and with permission I will let you know how the appointment goes.

ready for the crash landing...

The last 3 days have really been bad. It seems as if I am spiraling and the deeper I fall, the faster I get there. I keep thinking I should be at the bottom soon but it never comes, only darker and deeper and faster with no bottom in sight. The crash scares me less than this endless fall. My family has almost insisted that I seek help and my friend has set me up with someone who will provide her services for free. However, I am hesitant about all of it because I just don't want to do it and I don't want to admit that all the problems are my fault and I don't want to even be in this stupid situation. So what does anxiety feel like today? Ummmm....have I used the word hell yet? I think I have. I feel like a lot of my anxiety has changed into hopelessness and depression which is a while different issue. I am either completely overwhelmed with a nauseating nervousness and last night I actually vomited because I was so anxious. My whole body shakes uncontrollably a lot of the time. I can hardly stand to have a conversation with anyone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to stay in my bedroom with the door shut. I am tired of crying and it seems like that is all I can do the last 3 days. Apparently this is hard on other people too (which I know rationally), and in an attempt to make me snap out of it or other unknown to me reason I have had some people lash out at me about how this is creating a miserable existence for everyone in my life. Probably true and probably on my top ten list of things that make me anxious is for my family to be hurting and probably the very last thing I needed to hear as I fall crashing into an abyss. What does anxiety look like? It looks really dark and cold and scary. It looks like sad little faces that don't understand why their mom is always crying. It looks like I have the shittiest attitude on the planet. It looks like anger toward me for something I have no control of. It looks like my world is crashing in around me and I am letting it. It looks like a really messy house with dishes and laundry stacking up because I cannot face it. It looks like...failure!
So anyway I have an appointment next Friday in St. Louis. So wish me luck and prayers appreciated.

what does anxiety feel like today...

Ummmm....not sure where to go with this blog since I have pretty much given you a run-down and all the information I know about anxiety and explained the how, why, and what about my specific anxiety disorder. I can tell you that today has been pretty rough. I woke up feeling positive and proactive in making some tough decisions and actually got through it pretty well so that was a huge success. Instead of celebrating that success, I have been in a literal marathon panic attack for the rest of the day. I am not sure if it is because I handled what I had to handle and then it hit me or if it is the culmination of things that have surfaced today...maybe a little of both. One of the things I do is second-guess my decisions A LOT! So even though I made a decision together with my daughter that I really believe will be the best for her and our family, I have spent the rest of the day second-guessing myself and the decision and rehearsing all of the catastrophic things that could result from my decision (by the way catastrophic thoughts are textbook anxiety...so I'm a nut we have already established that lol). Additionally this evening marks the end of Shawn's 3 days off so I am already stressing about the next 5 days of him working 24/7. I am anticipating a lot of sleepless nights for him, his increased pain that always results from sleepless nights, and the tension that usually builds during this time. 2 of the kids went to KC with my mom today so of course that sends me into the worry tailspin. Ummmm we are a week away from school starting and I am just not prepared literally or emotionally. Some small town/small school drama is taking its usual toll on me except is intensified because I am already having a lot of anxiety today.
And it pretty much feels like a fire has been set to all of my rational thoughts and a tornado is ripping through me. So that is what anxiety feels like today...

Is anxiety a choice?

So I do one of two things when I feel anxious...stand my ground to control the situation no matter who I piss off and no matter what the consequences until I "win" (not really winning when I make people angry, hurt their feelings, or end up creating unnecessary drama in my life) or I completely just let it all go to the point of ignoring things hoping they will disappear (this doesn't really work either as usually the problem just gets bigger, more pressing, or overwhelming...and I eventually have to deal with it anyway). I am either completely stubborn or just say screw it and take a nap neither of which really works in the long run.
I mentioned previously that one of my kids was really struggling to make a decision about school and whether to stay where she is and unhappy or move to the public school. Either is probably a fine choice although both have consequences both good and bad. I am terrified to make the wrong choice and terrified to let her make the choice because afterall I'm her mom and I should know the "right" answer all the time...right? Additionally, if she makes the choice then I am not in control and we all know that control is my thing. Well in this case, I'm not sure there is a "right" answer. We have both wavered and contemplated, and I have prayed and stewed, and today we had no choice but to just make the choice since school starts next week. Now the anxiety sets in...I am terrified I have guided her in the wrong direction, I am terrified we will be judged for making this choice, I am terrified that she will hate the choice she made and be unhappy, I am terrified that it will be a great choice and we will have spent all this time and energy crying over something very insignificant in the big picture. My first reaction was to just ignore it and take a nap, a lot of long naps (and what did it get me...nothing because I had to wake up and deal with it anyway), then my reaction was to just be mad about anything and everything even the color of backpack she picked (and what did that get me...nothing but my daughter's hurt feelings), and now my reaction is again to just pretend it isn't happening and maybe tomorrow it will not feel so scary and overwhelming. Although going to enroll her in school is going to be scary and overwhelming so I can surmise that tomorrow will bring with it a lot of anxiety of its own.
Funny how I am anxious a lot of times just about becoming anxious.
Why do I write these blogs? I write them because the tornado in my brain becomes dizzy-ing and when I write these things it forces me to focus this tornado into a straight line wind with a purpose.
Yesterday, I almost missed out on a great opportunity. We were invited to spend some time at a friend's lake house with some other friends and the kids. I already had planned all the reasons why we shouldn't go. I don't know why, I love hanging out with these people and I knew we would have fun. But it just seemed easier to stay home because home is safe. Home, nobody judges me; home is easy. I kept asking Shawn if he was too tired to go and hoping he would say yes (he had every right to say yes afterall he only slept 6 hours in 48) but he wanted to go. I was literally sick all the way there and I wanted to throw up. I don't know why but I was just anxious. We ended up having an awesome time, which I knew we would. It is times like that I wish I could just get up in the morning, be excited at what was to come, and enjoy my day...my whole day start to finish rather than spending 3 days anticipating all the things that could be horrible about a day.
So maybe tomorrow I can wake up and be excited about what this change could mean for our family and my daughter instead of agonizing about all the things that could go wrong. Yes...that is what I will do...wait I'm not sure I have a choice or I would always choose to take that route. Is anxiety a choice? If it's a choice, can someone please tell me how to make better choices?

Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death. One of my biggest sources of anxiety revolves around death and abandonment yet death is a big part of our lives. I, of all people, would have never imagined that I would marry a man who deals with death every day and it is even more of a stretch that we would actually be living in this place where we deal with hundreds of deaths a year. I'm not sure if this has been good for me because it has forced me face this fear. Or if it has been bad for me because it has created an increased detachment. Let me explain...I briefly mentioned this before but I will expand on it a little more. I fear death and abandonment so much that I sometimes obsess about it happening to people I love (not myself and not that I don't believe they can't go to heaven just the absence of them in my life). So to avoid this anxiety associated with my fear, I detach. I start letting myself believe that if I don't love someone or don't become attached to someone they won't die because God only takes people that I love, people that someone loves. Hang in there with me for a minute on this because I know it sounds peculiar at best. I DO love and love very deeply, I am also extremely attached to people. It is more like I think if I exhibit that I care then God will use that against me and take those people from me as punishment of some kind. Rationally, I know that is not the case but remember anxiety and the resulting behavior is NOT rational. Being exposed to death so much has forced me to literally look death in the face...the face of every man, woman, and child that we take care of. But since it is not a funeral home, we don't deal with the grieving families only the shell left when the person has gone. We just take care of preparing the person and then the funeral home takes over. So while I am not afraid of the person who is dead or the shell that is left in the form of a body, I realized today that I still fear the emotion that results, the emotions of the living.
I am always a little taken by surprise at the depth of emotion I feel when I experience death of someone I love (as anyone would) or even just am exposed to people who are experiencing death of someone they love. I am swirled back to the irrationality that surrounds death in my mind...it is not a person who is dead who brings me to this place it is the living element that evokes this swirl of panic. It is almost as if I never properly grieved some significant losses in my life because I was so young or I chose to just detach after an initial wave of intense emotion.
Death is not something I can control but since as you learned from my last post, I try to control EVERYTHING in tangible and intangible ways I even want to control death.
The last few days have been pretty good actually from an anxiety standpoint. For a couple weeks I have been blasted with anxiety daily and panic attacks several times a day. Last weekend helped as we had some family time away even though I had a couple mild "spells" (that word makes me laugh every time I type it) it was pretty manageable overall. This week hasn't been awful just an occasional "spell" and the usual constant nagging nervousness that I consider normal but I know it isn't. Tonight, though has been tough and especially now that the house is quiet.
Tonight I looked a friend in the eyes who lost someone she dearly loved, I saw a room full of grieving people who lost a dear friend or family member, I had to explain to my daughter how these "things" go (visitations) as she cried because she was sad for her friend who was hurting so deeply...death I can handle, the depth of emotion and pain that is left behind is what sends my brain swirling and begins to surface pain I have stuffed down my whole life where it is safe and doesn't hurt. I was hugging my friend to comfort her but in some strange way it felt more like she might have been the stronger one (maybe not in the moment but definitely in the big picture).

Anxiety treatment and my control issues

A couple techniques used to help people tackle anxiety disorders are cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy. CBT requires that a person focus on their thoughts and the resulting behavior. This type of treatment aids a person in identifying and challenging the irrational fears that are at the root of the anxiety. Exposure therapy forces a person to face their fears in a safe and controlled environment with a therapist walking you through the process. After repeated exposure to the anxiety-provoking stimuli (whether that is a real or imaginary object or situation) you become habituated to it. In real people words that just means you get used to it to the point that you no longer fear it. Once a person is exposed to this fear over and over without harm, the anxiety gradually decreases because as I have mentioned before rational thought and anxiety are not friends. Of course medication can also be used to normalize or bring balance back to the screwy brain chemistry (those are real people words and not in any way appropriate for a psych major lol).
The thing I am struggling to pinpoint is my exact triggers and how I can tackle them.
One of my major obstacles is control and that there are things outside of my control (yes I really believe I should be able to control everything and everyone around me, and as you know that is absolutely in every way impossible!!!). Specifically, planning and scheduling are a huge source of anxiety for me. The hard part about facing this is that I can't give it up all together, obviously with a large family and being a mom I have to plan and schedule things. I honestly suffer huge panic attacks surrounding planning to the point that it really frustrates the people in my life. If one small glitch in "the plan" happens, I just can't deal and it literally sends me into a tailspin. In my mind though I cannot understand how CBT or exposure therapy could help...I can apply it to case study after case study but I cannot apply it to myself. I assume this would involve allowing someone else, like my very capable husband, to plan and schedule our lives and just roll with it. He has virtually quit trying to plan things, even fun things that I really want him to plan like a surprise trip or a night out without any input from me. Sometimes I get mad at him and ask him why he never takes me out or plans a little weekend away etc. and his response is always the same: "I can't plan anything because you would get mad because I didn't do it right". Wow that is painful to hear and as much as I will argue this with him, it is true. I struggle when we leave for a weekend because it takes such precise planning and control on my part to make sure everything happens exactly the way that I would do it. This frustrates those who care for the kids when we are gone because it involves lists and instructions and numerous phone calls etc. If I sit here long enough and think about it with my rational brain, I know that if the kids are late for school, or they miss a basketball practice, or they go to bed at 900 instead of 830; the end of the world will not come. But in the moment it seems huge! That moment in time somehow means I have not done my job as a mom and people will think I am a bad mom. I equate everything to my capability and worth so if something gets messed up...it is a direct reflection of me. Stupid...so freaking stupid and frustrating! I honestly wish I could seek out CBT or exposure therapy. I want to be free from this disorder. I want my children to be free from this disorder because they are also imprisoned by my anxiety. I want my husband to be free to plan something without any input from me. I attempt to justify my control because we have a large family and everything I do revolves around making sure that everything is planned and perfectly carried out. But there are capable people in my life that can do it and I really am exhausted by trying to control the world. I just want to be free!

A little girl who really did not understand

There was a little girl who is now an adult with children of her own. This is all she remembers of her daddy who was taken from her way too soon...

The first memory she has is coming home after kindergarten and peeking through her dollhouse windows at her daddy laying in his brown recliner watching TV. He saw his baby girl peeking at him through the windows and smiled...she squealed in delight and ran into his arms. There she sat in his lap sucking her thumb until she would fall asleep until dinner time. There was no safer place in the world. There was no warmer place in the world and there was no place she would rather be. He was her world!
Most of her memories are just flashes of moments like the one described above. The memories are very emotionally charged and it is the emotion and the feeling that is the strongest part of the memory. The memories are almost like an old movie reel rather than something she actually experienced.
Skip forward a few months and she runs her hand through her daddy's freshly buzzed hair. He slept a lot on the couch and she would sit by his head and feel his funny hair. Even as a little girl she knew something was wrong even though nobody really explained it to her or maybe if they did explain it she just didn't get it. She just knew...knew that something was wrong and that her world seemed very scary.
Over the next few months her and her mom would spend countless nights in a hospital room and eventually the living room was transformed into a hospital room. Her daddy didn't hold her anymore, he didn't really talk to her anymore, and he didn't even look like the same daddy but she longed for her world to go back to the day that she peeked at him through her dollhouse windows at him. Her mom was busy taking care of her daddy because he was so sick, she cried a lot...everyone cried a lot. She felt like she was invisible. She thought that if she was perfect, her daddy would get better, her mom wouldn't be so sad, and that her world would return to normal.
And then he was gone...just gone. Forever gone because cancer took her daddy away just weeks before her 7th birthday. Her life would never be the same, her birthday would never be the same, Christmas would never be the same, NOTHING would ever be the same. Her mom loved her very much! But their lives would NEVER be the same and no matter how much she loved her she could not fill that void.
To that little girl it felt a lot like stripping her of everything safe and leaving her in the middle of a scary forest all alone. She could see and hear the people she loved but she couldn't reach them. She would pray at night that she would would see her daddy again, that he would come home, that if he loved her he would just come back. He never came. No matter what deals she made with God, no matter how perfect she was (or tried to be), no matter how much she prayed, he never came back. To her this meant she wasn't good enough or important enough or worth it. She didn't understand death, she thought he made a choice to leave her. She never got mad, she simply just kept waiting.
As time went by she began to understand that he wasn't coming back not by choice but because when you die you just don't come back. But by that point, she was so used to this skewed thought process that she still never felt good enough and she always feared that if she wasn't perfect people would leave, or die, or just never come back.
That little girl was me. And I know that my daddy did not choose to leave me or his other children. I know that no matter what I would've, could've, or should've done- he would not have come back. That is my rational mind. But there is still this little voice (not an audible voice) in me that says "what if you aren't good enough" and of course that creates a canyon between me and those around me because I just don't want to let people in because I might not be good enough. I know that isn't rational because I am super likeable :) but those kind of thoughts creep in when I least expect it and keep me from engaging or keep me from doing things I really would like to do. I have also become a master at faking it...I can appear to have all the confidence in the world and masquerade normalcy.
I can also trace my anxiety to fear of loss or abandonment a lot (not always but a lot). And here is the crazy thing...sometimes I choose to be the one to pull away because if I choose it then it isn't as painful because I can rationalize the choice but I cannot rationalize the loss otherwise...Sometimes I somehow turn off the emotion attached to illness or death because I want to convince myself that if I don't care then it won't happen (and that is super crazy huh?!? like my feelings about the subject somehow affect the outcome-NOT)!
The thing about anxiety is that there is a rational thought process and there is an anxiety thought process and they don't get along and they are almost never seen in the same place at the same time. All I know is my thoughts are screwy especially when I am having anxiety, which is happening more and more all the time.

some correlations I made and a little setback

So I was thinking tonight that maybe a few underlying things were going on that I hadn't put together that are contributing to my anxiety...besides the obvious things I listed in the rundown post. 30 years ago this summer I lost my daddy, 17 years ago this summer I lost someone else very close to me, 1 year ago in July I lost my uncle whom I loved very much, and also 1 year ago in September we lost Shawn's dad. I have made a huge connection to my anxiety and fear of loss or abandonment. Dang I have issues...why can't I focus on other wonderful things that happened in my life also in the summer and fall months: 7 years ago today I had Ceth, my baby boy, 8 years ago in June Shawn moved to KC to start our new life together, 11 years ago in Aug. a little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 12 years ago in Oct my 2nd son was born, 14 years ago in Oct my first son was born, 15 years ago in September another little girl who would become my step-daughter was born, 16 years ago in September my first precious child was born, and a lot of great things have happened in my life so why does my brain like to dwell on the things that are painful and sad and anxiety provoking? If you figure it out please let me know :)
I also wanted to share something else with you. I sought treatment for anxiety in about 2000 and really had some success with treatment. Unfortunately, I have maintained none of that treatment because I wanted to be "normal". I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to be labeled, I don't want to have a disorder that requires therapy or medication, I just want to be like everyone else. The last 2 weeks have been so severe that I finally made a big step. I called around to attempt to find a physician who can deal with my anxiety issues. Unfortunately I found a lot of dead-ends. I don't have health insurance so that makes this increasingly difficult. I was excited at the prospect of finally getting a handle on these things so I could LIVE...not exist but really LIVE. Sigh...got call today that the one dr. I thought may be able to help was going to charge $190 for a consultation and $90 for each subsequent visit. This sort of sent me into a pity party tailspin. There are a few places who do sliding scales based on income but unfortunately our income is not the problem, the problem is that I don't have health insurance and who can afford health care and prescriptions with no health insurance. Also a whole new set of anxious thoughts entered my brain because I am attempting to find employment at some of these places so I sure the hell don't want to seek employment at a place that knows I'm a nutcase! Seems a little ironic that I would be looking for a job at the same place that I am looking for assistance for my "problem". So I am back to attempting to deal with this anxiety on my own and resigning myself to the possibility of this being the thorn in my side forever.

What anxiety "feels" like

This week has been a particularly bad week for anxiety. I know that the big life changes going on are a huge contributing factor but it doesn't necessarily make it easier to manage the uncontrollable anxiety symptoms that feel paralyzing. What exactly does it feel like to have anxiety? I assume this is a little different for everyone and I can only tell you how it makes me feel. Almost always, even on "normal" days, I feel a constant nervousness that is difficult to explain. It is sort of just a nagging sensation in my stomach that feels like normal anxiousness you might feel when you actually have something to feel nervous about. I can usually manage this pretty well as I have really grown accustomed to it. Sometimes it makes me grumpy or keeps me from saying yes to things that I would really like to do but I know it would make me too nervous. Usually I can distract myself with other things and just go on about my day.
On severe days (or in this case severe weeks) it is paralyzing. My heart races, my hands and sometimes my body shakes, and my mind will NOT stop thinking about things I do not want to be thinking about. Sometimes I want to cry and I do but other times I think I would feel better if I cried and I can't. My stomach hurts, my chest feels tight, and it seems like there is not enough oxygen in the world, let-alone in the room, to breathe. Sometimes instead of crying or feeling anxious, my anxiety shifts to anger and I think that is because it is easier in my brain to justify anger than irrational fear. I want to sleep because all of the thinking and my body working overtime to adjust to all the adrenaline is exhausting; but, typically I can't sleep or I can't sleep long because I am restless and uncomfortable. I am extremely aware of my heart beating, I can hear it and feel it like after you exercise vigorously. Ummm it is hard to explain my thought-process because it is fragmented and busy. Sometimes I get dizzy or things seem surreal. My arms and legs feel tingly and heavy. Not at all pleasant.
These "spells" (sounds like an old lady word lol) last a few minutes up to a few hours. Sometimes these "spells" happen once a day or several times a day and even sometimes seem to go on all day to some extent. Sometimes though the severe "attacks" will not happen for several weeks at a time (except that weird nagging nervousness that I always feel, which seems sort of "normal" after weeks like this one).
I think that the people closest to me can sense my anxiety in several ways. One,I am usually super grumpy when they get bad but less subtle cues are that my hands shake a lot, and I have to consciously take really deep breaths (mostly because it feels like I can't breathe). Sometimes they don't pick up on it right away and I actually have to say the words..."I am really anxious right now". Their response is usually "why, what's wrong" to which I almost never have an answer.
Sometimes I wonder if the whole world can tell that I am not "normal"...
Next post: What are my triggers?

So why am I like this?

So why am I like this? Several things are thought to factor into the development of anxiety disorders including heredity, brain chemistry, personality, and life experiences. Evidence exists showing that anxiety disorders run in families and that is no exception in my case as many people in my family suffer from some type of anxiety or depression. The thing is that a genetic factor may be present but it is likely activated by environment or life experience. I could give you some of the fancy explanations revolving around some of the brain chemistry thought to raise anxiety levels including the neurotransmitters that are involved and how they malfunction but that stuff is just boring and well...resemble school too much. Just know that brain chemistry seems to play a significant role in anxiety disorders. Personality might also be a culprit and this is where it feels a little personal and makes me anxious to share because I am vulnerable when I admit this part. Studies have shown that low self-esteem and lack of coping skills may make a person more likely to develop an anxiety disorder. And here is the ironic thing, when anxiety disorders start when you are a child-the anxiety disorder leads to poor self-esteem in some cases. Interesting huh? Which came first the chicken or the egg? And that leads us to life experiences, which are linked to anxiety disorders. These life experiences could include abuse, violence, poverty, etc. I am sure if I thought long and hard about what life experiences could have led to my anxiety I could think of a thing or two or twelve but the purpose of this blog is not to point fingers because that would be counter-productive. I believe that at some point in everyone's life they have to stop pointing fingers and just accept that this is the life they were given and deal with it. If I had to pinpoint something definitive that could have contributed to my anxiety it would be that I lost my dad at a very young age and the ensuing life changes were not easy...nobody's fault just not easy.

Once we get through all the what, how, why...blah blah blah I will start to focus on what it is really like to live with anxiety. So bear with me for the first few blog posts and we will get into the "dirt" later. :)

The Run-Down

So here is the rundown on my life right now (i.e. the circumstances exasperating my anxiety disorder).
Since moving to JC we have had a lot of stress but for the most part just the normal adjustment to a new city, school, job, making new friends, and getting settled kind of stress. There have been several pretty big hurdles to overcome; however, I think we have done a fairly decent job of making it work.
Shawn's work schedule is apparently manageable and he actually handles it fine except that I have seen a marked decline in his health over the last 2 years and I believe it is due to a lack of sleep but that is just my opinion. He works 24 hours on and 24 hours off and has every other weekend off. Sometimes it isn't bad but other times it is pretty awful as far as sleep and other necessary rest periods. I guess that is the nature of the business. He actually handles it well...and as usual it is me that cannot adjust. My insomnia issues have more than quadrupled since moving here and the mere sound of the phone ringing arouses that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anxious about what? Not sure...anxious that he will have to leave and go back to work when I know he is already exhausted; anxious that he will fall asleep while driving in the middle of the night; anxious that whatever trivial thing I had planned for the next morning won't happen because Shawn needs to sleep (even though he usually just forgoes sleep to appease my trivial plans which then makes me feel more anxious because I feel guilty); anxious that he will be in more pain than he already is because lack of sleep seems to be linked; anxious that we have to leave whatever we are doing at the moment so he can go on a call; anxious that he is going to miss out on something really important or maybe I should say something that seems really important at the moment; anxious about...well usually I don't even know exactly. That's just the way it feels when the phone rings. Again, these are not things that seem to bother him or anyone else- just me.
So I described Shawn's work schedule or at least what it was. The days he was off, we had a pretty worthless employee but at least it provided Shawn some time off and the guy got the job done. Well he quit last week and gave us less than a week's notice. So apparently this is supposed to "work out" and apparently it is "going to be okay" and apparently "we should just be able to hire someone" but those things don't seem to be happening and I know a week and a half isn't that long but in my brain...if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel-there is no end. Nobody wants this job...well at least nobody should want this job because if you have a family or a life or any such plans for a life it sucks. Let me clarify that this job is not a typical funeral home lifestyle. Yes they are on call 24/7 but the typical funeral home doesn't do 700 calls a year with only one or two staff members. Yes others do this job but typically burn out quickly or go through a wife or 7 or have a heart attack by age 47. How do I feel about this? Well...anxious. Shawn is again dealing with this pretty well. He is pretty tough...he is tired, he is in pain, and he is stressed but he "deals" better than me. (I should mention we do have a lot of awesome people in "the business" helping us find someone and we have a couple things in the works. It just hasn't happened quite yet and you guessed it even the mere thought of hiring someone new brings on a new set of anxiety though it relieves the current anxiety invoking situation). The good news is that we do have someone lined up to work temporarily until the end of the summer.
The kids are completely unhappy with their school situation. I hate to let them move schools again because they are just becoming much to accustomed to the nomadic existence I had growing up. I didn't want that for them and it is becoming increasingly clear that somehow I have taught them that when the going gets tough...the tough move or run and start over. I am not sure they are dealing with any issues at school that aren't "normal" issues that all kids deal with everyday. Or maybe they are dealing with more problems because they really haven't been rooted anywhere for a long time so they are always the new kid, the outsider, etc. So how will changing schools help and how can I express to them that they will have problems at any school they go to? They will dislike or have horrible teachers occasionally, they will have kids that hate them or pick on them occasionally, people will talk about them, they will have too much homework sometimes, they will be confused sometimes and feel like they are never going to catch on, they will have unrealistic expectations placed on them sometimes, they are going to have kids that have more money, nicer clothes, a nicer car, and cooler *insert whatever here* and they might even think the grass is greener on the other side (maybe it is...who knows)- those things are going to happen at every school, in every town, and every year they are in school. Hell- they are probably going to deal with similar things for their whole life, in fact I know they will. But here is where we come back to anxiety...not that it is about me but this blog is about anxiety so I am going to tell you where my anxiety comes into this equation. I am anxious because somehow I have taught them to run or haven't taught them to stick-with-it; I am anxious because I want to fix it and I can't; I am anxious because I want to do right by them but I don't even know what the right answer is because after all I want to run too; I am anxious because maybe I put them in the wrong schools to begin with and it has cost us a lot of money and a lot of time adjusting and caused them a lot of angst; I am anxious because they are unhappy and I have absolutely no control over that (seems control and my anxiety are highly correlated!); I am anxious that they might hate me forever because I didn't make this better for them and I really really wanted to make their lives...well...perfect. How do I teach my kids a skill or a sense of peace and wellbeing that I obviously don't possess myself.
I am about to graduate with my master's in 3 1/2 weeks. This is a good thing right? I am anxious that I will have spent all this money and not be able to find a good job; I am anxious that I will fail in the "real world"-I am good at school, I'm not sure I am good at life; I am anxious that I should've done something different as far as my degree; I am anxious that I should be able to find a great job but there are no great jobs out there; I am anxious that getting a job means that I am that much closer to not being needed at home and I have been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years; I am anxious that I won't be able to manage a full-time job and being a mom which leads me to the anxiety-provoking question of: "everyone else can do this why can't I"?
Various other things are going on creating added stress and they mostly have to do with so-called "normal" teenage stuff, "normal" financial concerns, "normal" frustrations, "normal" everyday life. But remember that anxiety makes small things huge so even the so-called "normal" stresses of everyday life are making me freaking nuts!
So that is the run-down of what I would consider the things weighing the most heavily on my mind. At any given moment though something very small can become something unbearably heavy to carry, something overwhelming to think about. Today, for example, I started having a panic attack for no apparent reason that I could pinpoint and something that should have been a happy thing became the source that my brain decided to fixate on causing anxiety. That led to me feeling guilty which increased the anxiety tenfold.

This is what anxiety technically is and some other psych mumbo jumbo

So the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is like the bible of psychology. This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) and it basically gives all the information necessary for diagnosing all mental health disorders…minus the human element. What I mean by that is that while the manual lists the diagnostic criteria for disorders, the prevalence, statistics, and prognosis in addition to some treatment methods…it doesn’t tell you what the disorder really “feels” like from the inside. That is what I am attempting to do with this blog. But for starters I will give you some of the technical characteristics of anxiety.

Anxiety comes in many forms and while we all experience anxiety at some point in our lives, there is a line at which “normal” anxiety crosses over into maladaptive behavior (maladaptive behavior is a fancy word meaning you just can’t deal anymore or the problem limits normal living). Normal anxiety includes the things in life that make you understandably nervous like anticipating the birth of a child, or cold feet before you walk down the aisle, or starting a new job, or waiting for the doctor to call with results of a test. Anxiety is actually a really important response because it is the trigger for the fight-or-flight response in dangerous situations, which can save your life in those situations. Anxiety provoking situations may spur you to study harder for a difficult exam or remain alert when you hear a noise outside your house; it creates cautiousness in surroundings that may be dangerous. The key difference between “normal” anxiety and an anxiety disorder is the source and intensity and the resulting behavior. In real people terms…when it starts to suck so bad and happen so often that you feel like you’re in hell or you can’t deal with normal life it is probably becoming a problem!

General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by general anxious feelings and can include “mild heart palpitations, dizziness, and excessive worry” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms). These feelings are hard to manage for the affected person and are not tied specifically to one traumatic event or series of events. When the anxiety is tied to a specific event it may lead to a different type of anxiety disorder known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). More severe forms of anxiety may be classified as a Panic Disorder. The manual says that prognosis is good for the worst of the symptoms but the underlying fears are a little more complicated. Medication in combination with therapy can be helpful.

Panic disorder is probably what you think of when you hear the term panic attack or anxiety attack. This is a more acute (quick onset) attack characterized “by intense fear or anxiety, usually associated with numerous physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, rapid breathing or shortness of breath, blurred vision, dizziness, and racing thoughts” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms). People sometimes think they are having a heart attack and sometimes even end up in the ER. Again medication and therapy can help and it is important for the individual to realize that the attack is not a physical problem but rather a psychological response. Prognosis again is good but if a person doesn’t seek treatment, the symptoms can progress into more severe behavioral responses (e.g. agoraphobia-fear of leaving the safety of one’s home).

And this leads me to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Yep…anxiety is the root of OCD. OCD is often the root of comedic interpretation but it is truly debilitating to some people including some people I really love. The biggest thing with OCD is obsessions which are “persistent, often irrational, and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts” (DSM-IV, 2004, Symptoms) that lead to compulsions, which are behaviors that are intended to relieve or neutralize the obsession. The common thing people associate with OCD is hand washing or being a “germaphobe” so here is an example of what happens: a person becomes anxious that they are going to become sick from germs but this fear is over-exaggerated and extreme or irrational, they obsess about the thought of being dirty or infected, and compulse in the form of excessive hand washing. In real people terms you think about something so much to the point that you have to do something to relieve the thoughts and anxiety and you behave in a way that seems excessive or irrational to outsiders but more important it starts to interfere with normal daily life. That is oversimplifying the disorder but for this purpose I think it gets the point across. The compulsion, in the example-hand washing, provides a temporary relief from the obsessive thought that results from anxiety. These compulsions can greatly interfere with daily life.

So there is some technical stuff to just get your mind thinking about what anxiety is. What does all of that mean? It means that if you have anxiety it sucks whatever name you give it. It means there is a name for this “problem” but it doesn’t really make me feel better to know there is a name for what is wrong. It sort of makes me feel like…well…like I’m labeled.

The beginning of me keepin' it real!

So let me start by saying this...I am thankful. I really am! I am thankful that I am not sick and neither is anyone in my family and we have a home and we all really love each other. So many people do not have those luxuries. The purpose of this blog is not to complain about how bad I have it because I know in actuality I have it pretty good. The purpose of this blog is to a) vent- because sometimes just to say it aloud makes the anxiety within feel a little less overwhelming and b) to give you a glimpse of the hell I believe anxiety is, and c) maybe it could help somebody else to know they are not alone. Maybe I am crazy and maybe I just feel like I am crazy but either way it feels pretty...well crazy! I am not sure why I was chosen to have this illness but maybe if I share my story of anxiety and how it affects me, someone else may not have to suffer it alone. Maybe it won't help anyone but me and in that case it helps a lot of people who live with me.
Anxiety to me feels like the end of the world even though you can't see an end in sight. Anxiety feels like the feeling you have when some emergency occurs but no real emergency is occurring. Anxiety makes my heart beat like I have just run a mile but I am sitting perfectly still. Anxiety makes me feel like I want to throw up and like I am seriously sick but there is nothing wrong with me. Anxiety makes me angry and frustrated at everyone around me and mostly at myself. Anxiety tells me that I need to do a million things but I am too overwhelmed to do any of them. Anxiety makes small things look huge and huge things insignificant. Anxiety keeps me from sleeping but the only relief I get is when I am sleeping so I want to do it all the time.
So what is all the anxiety about? I'm not sure if the root of the anxiety is circumstance or the anxiety is just making me unable to deal with normal circumstances that everyone deals with everyday. Ha and I am a psych major...I'm sure there is some irony in that alone! I know that I have dealt with anxiety for way too long..years. And though sometimes it isn't as severe as other times it is always there to some degree. So that leads me to believe that circumstance definitely exasperates the disorder that is already present but sometimes it really might be nothing circumstantial at all...just how I was made (lucky me)!
So as you read this blog you may start thinking that I really am crazy...or at the very least whiny and negative. But I honestly feel like the whole world is crashing in on me sometimes and nobody understands. I feel like (because I have been told) that I should just "snap out of it", or "look on the bright side", or "count my blessings", or "think it could always be worse" (that is my favorite actually because it seems as if I KNOW it could be worse and that is all I can think about-hence the anxiety), or "just focus on something positive", or "put your mind on something else", or "just relax".
So what does anxiety feel like...it feels like nothing in the world can ever be right because you are constantly thinking about what can go wrong. It feels like if anyone really knew how you felt they would think you were crazy, whiny, or negative. It feels an awful lot like pain, debilitating pain in the pit of your being. It feels like guilt because you know how much you have to be thankful for and you don't want to seem ungrateful. It feels like inescapable fear of what could happen. It feels like...hell.
I know that it will get better. I also know that God won't give me something I can't handle. I know that people in life deal with much worse- much much worse. I know that my life really isn't so bad. I know that I am loved. I know...and if I could choose not to feel this way I promise I would "just snap out of it".
So there is the first installment of my "keepin' it real...so what if you judge me...I don't want to do this alone anymore and neither should anyone else who suffers from anxiety...this is what anxiety feels like" blog. Pretty generic right? I didn't want to overwhelm you. Stay-tuned for a run down of my life and a journal so-to-speak of the things that make me feel anxious and how I choose to deal with it at that particular moment. Some of my family members and friends are very private people though so I will attempt to always protect them. It may seem at first like I think the whole world revolves around me but my purpose is to give you a glimpse into the skewed thought process that anxiety is. Oftentimes anxiety stems from events that have nothing to do with me but it feels like they have everything to do with me and additionally this skewed perception has nothing to do with the reality of circumstance but the lies my anxiety tells me. That is part of the illness. And what the heck its my party so I'll cry if I want to...(that was a joke) :)
So now it is time to post this...but of course I feel...ANXIOUS about the consequences of "keepin' it real..."